I must be out of my mind.

It's amazing how much can get done if you put your mind to it. I am so exhausted from cleaning right now.
I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo.. I've acknowledged the past and I have a grasp on the future.. yet nothing is happening in the present. I'm just disappointed in myself.
Six Flags was a lot of fun. I don't have inhibitions anymore - I just go. Phil and I went on all of the big roller coasters and a few of the smaller ones. I felt spoiled because we always rode on the front (or back, in some cases).
I like feeling like a pet. What a freak.
I'm tired of trying to please people who could care less about me. I need to focus more on the people who do care.
There are only 45 minutes left until it is August. RUN!

It's nights like this when I hate sleeping alone.

Doing the dishes = sexy

Wow, there's a lot I have to update about.  Let's see... how about a list?  (my favorite)

FRIDAY:
-Arboretum with Lauren where we see the treehouses and climb in them.  Award for the coolest one goes to THE orange BLOB with a close second of the colorful "hershey kiss" one.
-Lauren comes over and we sit on my porch and I give her a "bag of fun" to keep her entertained on the airplane and we're really sad and I promise to make a good toga for her

SATURDAY:
-I'm really depressed and feeling alone and upset with myself... lots of crying and such... Kim and Dima try to cheer me up.
-Dima comes to my house and gives me a hemp bracelet she made and an envelop that says, "Words to Describe Susan" and it's filled with adjectives cut out from magazines.  It was so sweet of her and it really cheered me up.  My goal for the rest of the summer is to have a better image of myself.
-I go to SUPER TARGET with my parents.  I bought dry erase markers for my board, had a yogurt fiasco, and lost my father.  I end up walking around the entire store to find him (which is huge- remember that this is SUPER Target) and it turns out I had just missed him.  I think I saw that one hippy guy there but I couldn't say anything to him because at that point I was just rushing around.

SUNDAY:
-I wake up at 7:00 and watch Mass on TV because I'm a lazy bum and I was still kind of depressed from the day before.
-I fall back asleep.
-I wake up crabby and feeling gross BUT...
-I go babysit for the Quinns.
-They wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese sooooooo we went!  I really wasn't in the mood to go but they were so excited about it.  Ridhi was working there and it was cute.  So we ate pizza, played lots of games, and got lots of tickets.  We did this thing were it takes your picture and then sketches it and prints it out.  When we got back to their house we decorated the pictures and I'm going to hang them in my locker next year.
-Emily is bent on having me buy a fish and gives me her goldfish bowl and extra food she had.  The four of us walk to the pet store but it was closed!  :( :(  Thumbs down.  We're going to buy a fish for me next time.
-Blah blah.. more fun babysitting things... ice cream.. Anne Frank...bubbles...
-The parents come home pretty early so I call Kim because she had invited to come see Napoleon Dynamite.
-I go to Beebe and we climb on dirt and go down the "BIG FOOT" slide and play frisbee.
-Phil and I realize that we actually never "hated" each other and I feel slightly like a doof because I make things out to be worse than they actually are and apparently so does he.
-We all go to Phil's house to play the game Apples to Apples (best game ever because it's so hilarious)
-I'd say everyone there had a great time (except for Kim- what was wrong, Kim??  I really hope you're feeling better today.)  I haven't laughed so much in one night in a lonnng time!
-More games.. haha it's all a blur.. but I do remember my "backhand slam" or was it smash?  Mmm, I think it was slam.  I want that little green hammer.  That was one crazy armadillo/dinosaur/bug.
-I drove Dima and Lola home and I hope they didn't get in too much trouble for being late.  :(

TODAY (MONDAY):
-wake up late....
-watch "A Makeover Story" hah...
-make brownies
-get $ in order to go to the bank later
-mm..yeah.  that's about it for now.

:)

And so it begins....

 
Lauren is officially gone now since I won't be seeing her until the first day of school.  :( :( :(  I'm so sad and alone already.  I'm glad she liked my little bag of fun I gave her.

Lauren and I went to the arboretum today and saw the treehouses!  Little kids are so funny.  I sat on a cowboy.

I started my zine today and I hope it will keep me occupied throughout the month.  It's called "Assorted Blinking Lights After Dark."

 

average everyday sane psycho

 
I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I feel like someone is going to come along and tell me the right things to do.
 
People are so confusing- I even confuse myself most of the time.  It's just that I don't understand people's motives behind doing what they do.
 
I'm slightly depressed/not really.  I can't let myself be depressed over other lives because that doesn't get me anywhere good.
 
I don't know what going on with this color thing or why I'm using so much pink.
 
SHAZAM!
 
All of this crazinessssss..  who am I going to talk to now that Lauren will be gone for a month?! 
 
The thing about making a friend is that they must have a want for a friend as well.  Almost all of the people I know have enough friends or a group of them and they have no need for an average everyday sane psycho such as myself.
 
I don't want the confines of a group, a clique.  I never want to be that.  I don't like feeling tied down when I desperately need to fly away.
 
I'm tired of putting myself out on the line for other people.  In the words of Albert, "I tire of chasing shadows."
 
I really want to make a zine.  I think it would be awesome.  Maybe that will be my project for the rest of the summer.  I will just sew my skirt, make a zine, work out, write letters, and paint until school commences.
 

 
I got my hair cut today (!)  Thanks to Lauren for coming with me.
 
It's quite different now and looks good with the... seasonal.. headbands my aunt's friend sewed for my cousins and me.
 
But right now I can't really dwell on that subject because all of my projects for the fair are being judged tomorrow and (of course) I haven't started any of them.
 
From what I've heard, the judges are really bitchy this year... yippee............
 
I'll be verrrrry happy when this week is over.  (except that Lauren will be gone!!!!!!  sniffle sniffle.)
 
 

Everything will be just fine.

 
My neighbors are moving and today they put out some old things they had for the garbage.  Throughout the day I've been watching as people take the stuff and I find it a curious thing to do.  I did it once, with an old dresser.  I made my dad go back and get it.  Ok, it was beat up and scratched and the top had coffee stains on it, but it intrigued me.  That was last summer.  My dad and I sanded the whole thing down by hand (took about a week of hard work) and I picked out stain and a finish for it.  It was really fun to do but I admit it was a pain in the butt.  That dresser is now in my room full of my weird clothes and looking top notch.  I'd say it wins the Ultimate Recycling Award.
 
Tonight is craft night and I'm ready!  I painted a ceramic bowl last week and it's hottt.  I love art but I've only done it for myself.  Like my fingerpainting that I did a lot of last year... that was just me putting emotions on paper.  Shapes are overrated.
 

Objective: To obtain a part-time job during the summer and/or school year.

Well, I finally turned in my first job application! It was for Amling's and I doubt that they are hiring right now anyway, but at least I turned it in. I wrote myself a short resume to attach on as well and it was cute.

The next thing I need to do is get my picture taken for my passport and make an appointment with the Township Office.

And cutest thing ever that made me cry:

This is what my little sister, Jenny, wrote as a "quick response" during school:

#89: Who are your heroes? Why do you think they are so terrific?

My heroes are my older sisters. They are great! They try their best and work hard. Also they have a great sense of humor and stand up for what they believe in. They are brave, strong, and have good grades. That is why they are my heroes.

Today was one of those days where I am glad to be alive. Every so often, something/someone comes along and reminds you of what it's all about.

I had a college visit today which including waking up at 4:30 this morning but I loved every minute of it. People who don't live in Naperville are so genuinely nice. It was refreshing. I've been inspired to follow through with my crazy ideas and see them to the end. I can't wait until college because it really will be a totally different world.

Then I went to a show with Lauren and it was so great to see how these people really loved what they were doing and had fun with it. They just had so much energy that it was incredible. We started our own notebook and markers to leave in the Fat Bean and I must say that it rocks. And of course, driving home playing music so loud you can't even hear yourself yelling/singing the words always reminds me that it's summer.

I like feeling comfortable as myself.