And you were lying wide awake in the garden...

There were several times today during class where tears welled up in my eyes, but I didn't let them fall.

Today I was thinking about how when you're in physical pain, for example, a black eye, it is easily recognizable...."man, that looks like it hurts." However, there is no way to see emotional pain. I feel like my soul has been pounded, smashed, tossed, broken, and left for dead. But no one is able to see it.

In all honesty, does it even matter that people can't see how I feel? What difference would it make? I don't want to be depressing and pessimistic. I really try not to be and it usually works. There are times when I am truly happy, but I always go back to feeling sad.

My philosophy professeur at Grinnell was talking about how we can never be uncertain of anything except for things that seem to be true to us. There is no truth in saying, "The table is blue." Truth can only be found in saying, "It seems to me that the table is blue."

I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rolled down aisle five
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave

I can’t remember what went wrong last september
Though I’m sure you’d remind me if you had to

Our love was comfortable and so broken in



BE YOURSELF.
who am i?

You sort of hinted at my assumptions being correct

He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair

And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there

But he was there, this stranger, singing clear and loud

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

Killing me softly with his song

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his song

kiss the rain

Things I want to do:
-dress up for Halloween
-go to six flags
-have a birthday party
-pillow fight
-sleep in a box for the homeless
-sob uncontrollably
-laugh uncontrollably
-tell secrets under a blanket with a flashligh
-make someone happy
-play pingpong
-paint my wooden things
-

Things I have to do:
-post Afghanistan goals online
-study French verbs, make up quiz in AM
-study for physics test, make up test at lunch
-physics book problems and worksheets
-actually do the math homework
-get Danada hayride information
-write an Amnesty announcement
-babysit Messinas tonight
-read the five essays for quiz
-call Whitney
-catch up on much needed sleep
-

Kangaroo Dancing

Visiting Grinnell was an amazing experience. I'm so glad I decided to go. Now, I probably won't go to Grinnell because they are all freakin' geniuses, but it gave me a good taste of what life is like at a small liberal arts college. Now I'm sure that I want that kind of atmosphere. The biggest change will be living with friends and being completely self-motivated. The dorm I stayed in was co-ed by room and I really liked it. I say boys lighten things up. My mother, however, is completely against that idea and wants me to at least live a dorm that is co-ed by floor. We'll see about that.

My host and her friends were all super nice. Ivy is a girl I met from Guatemala and she taught me how to do the kangaroo dance in the hallway. The funniest guy I met there was from Greece and everyone called him Yanni. He says, "I respect my women" in the best accent ever. I was amazed at how many stars I could see at night! It was incredible. We crawled out of Vicky's window and went out on the "loggia" which is the top of the roof connecting all the rooms on one side of my dorm. We were up until 2:30 doing random things but unfortunately, Thursday night is their slow night so I didn't get to party with them. Last night there was a stoplight party where you wear red if you're unavailable, yellow if you're confused, and green if you're single. Haha, what a great idea. Let's do it.

There were so many activities going on- from free movies to all kinds of organisations, speeches, sports practices, studying, and lots of frisbee playing.

On Friday morning/afternoon I sat in on an African Politics class and an Introduction to Philosophy class. Both classes were really interesting and the Philosophy prof was intense and British. Grinnell is extremely academically challenging and they made it very clear that classes are their number one priorities. However, they "work hard during the week and play hard on the weekends."

A major theme I noticed was that things are what you make of them. The more you put into the things you do, the more you get out of them.

Now I can't wait to visit St. Norbert on Oct. 3rd and make some comparisons.

Take all of your expertise and trade it in for wonder. -Buddha

1. Listen.

2. Balance.

3. See.

4. Dream.

5. Love.

"i'm crabby" = space filler

i feel like i have no time to do anything. rush rush rush. i hate rushing.

let's have a chocolate pudding party.

i'm becoming more allergic to dogs. it's quite sad.

i miss you missing me when i'm not around.

take me out.

Ok, now I feel sad and alone.

Funny things of today (before I forget)

Thank YOU for supporting our nation.

Trogan RAM!

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM.

Garage sales are tiring. I had to wake up at 7 this morning.
Lauren and I went to the literary festival in aurora today.
Brian Guzman was there playing bass. He is sexy - I cannot lie.
I bought a book called "This Book Will Change Your Life." You know, it's the one at Barnes and Noble that we always look at but never buy. It was only $5.50 instead of $18. Hell yes.
But, BEST part of the festival was the POETRY SLAM. Amazing. What a great concept. I fell in love with it. Lauren and I want to have one sponsored by Lit Mag because it is just that cool.
Then I had to go babysit for an hour. I currently smell like babies and it is quite funny. Philip started having a crying freak-out in his crib so I had to hold him until I thought my arms might fall off. It was just cute though how he was just draped over me. He was really soft and cuddly like a teddy bear. I like how when you try and make a baby stop crying, it really doesn't matter what you say as long as you say it in that comforting way. I think I tell those kids things no one else knows.
So then Lauren and I went to Baskin Robins to visit Kevin and Priscilla. My shake was yummy but the best thing was seeing Kevin's reaction to the sex poem.
Bright lights bother me a lot.
I'm listening to the song Czzz-ar wrote and I like it. The title fits it well.
I am so tired. Maybe I can visit Grinnell with Emily. That would be awesome.

"Let me be your next ex-boyfriend" is the quote of the day.

Thanks, but you can call me Roxanne. I write suggestive poetry about the stars. Seduce me now.


P.S. LEAVE ME COMMENTS I'M LONELY.

If you want something done, do it yourself.

Even though I feel like writing, I am so tired that anything I write will be even more incoherent than usual.

Everyone. Call. Me. Tomorrow.

last night

What are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment, and beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

Lying smiling in the dark Shooting stars around your heart Dreams come bouncing in your head Pure and simple everytime Now you're crying in your sleep I wish you'd never learnt to weep Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping Pure and simple everytime
Look at me with starry eyes Push me up to starry skies There's stardust in my head Pure and simple everytime Fresh and deep as oceans new Shiver at the sight of you I'll sing a softer tune Pure and simple over you

Daylight fading Come and waste another year All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear Moonlight creeping around the corners of our lawn When we see the early signs that daylight's fading We leave just before it's gone

...and like a fool who will never see the truth I keep thinking something's gonna change
There's a danger in loving somebody too much And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch There's a reason why people don't stay who they are Baby sometimes love's just ain't enough

And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you But I don't know how

I remember when we could sleep on stones Now we lie together in whispers and moans When I was all messed up And I heard opera in my head Your love was a light bulb Hanging over my bed

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face

So tired of this straight line, and everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack. It don't make no difference, escaping one last time It's easier to believe In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees.

And I don't want the world to see me,Cause I don't think that they'd understand,When everything's made to be broken,I just want you to know who I am.

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong.Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five hour phone conversation, the best soy latte that you ever had... and me

The space between, the bullets in our fire-fight Is where I'll be hiding waiting for you The rain that falls splashed in your heart Ran like sadness down the windows into your room.

She's in love with the world.

I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

I love the wind so much. It makes me happy.


Bahh.. nevermind. I feel so stupid right now. I wish my brain actually worked once in a while.

Half way across the country? Are you NUTS?


Show me a man who's worth driving six blocks for,
and I'll show you the snowcone stand I opened in hell.

I'm ok,

It only hurts when I breathe...

(mostly Lauren's) List of Sexy Men ;)

(in no particular order.....)


-Kim Martino's freshman brother
-Ian Fijolek
-Jose
-Patrick
-Dan (in Lauren's comparative religions class)
-blond-boy Eric
-AKIF
-Clint
-Clinton
-Czzzz (aka sea-dawg)
-John herb....
-Johnny Depp
-Jason Prechtel
-Adam Strom

Void

i've been feeling so... empty inside
what are you missing from life?
although i am missing some things..
i think it's more
of what i have lost
that i did have
ahh those are the worst. what have u lost?
i feel so confined
and i'm not living according to me
school makes me have lower self esteem because i don't like making mistakes and forgetting things
my passion is gone and i want it back. : (
i miss being outside
having time to think
i guess i'm just unhappy.

...not that i want to be happy all of the time, but i don't want to be unhappy all of the time either.