have you ever been driven closer and closer to madness by certain qualities that people possess?
these things are eating at me from the inside out.
and there is nothing i can do.
they'll never change- that is who they are.
and is letting them know how i feel really worth the trouble it would cause?
no, it's not.
i'll just have to... let it go once again...

i'm so frustrated with everything right now.
even my mother said i was testy this morning.
that's a good word for how i feel; i couldn't find the word before.
i get so anxious about everything and then my procrastination makes it worse.
i don't know what i want anymore... decide for me.
maybe it's that i don't even CARE about knowing what i want.
i don't need anything.
instead of going shopping for clothes i've been getting creative with all the stuff i already have.
it's more fun that way.
i was driving for an hour with my mother today.
we had to drop off raffle tickets at the office.
she stopped at target but i stayed in the car b/c i felt crappy.
i people-watched.
there was this one young guy on a bike that especially intrigued me.
he had short bleached blond hair, a neon green t-shirt, and black bike shorts with 2 white stripes down the sides. i could see his plaid boxers too. he rode his bike right up to the door of the store and stopped. i thought he was locking up his bike, but he wasn't. he rode away on the sidewalk. a few minutes later he was back. he rode slowly around benches, now wearing sunglasses, and then went off in the opposite direction. later, he returned and this time he sat down on a bench. he started smoking and did a curious thing. he put his head inside of his bright green shirt and started smoking in there. a big puff of smoke would emerge along with his head after a few seconds. i wonder what he was thinking about. it seemed to me as if he didn't have any place to go.
as we drove away, he looked at me.
i wonder what he saw.


"you... still amaze me."