Never have an ordinary day.

Ok.. so maybe I have a crush on somebody! Haha, I'm excited. Crushes remind me of junior high. I've decided I like boys who think before they speak. But yeah, he's the kind of guy who doesn't do the whole girlfriend thing and we are total opposites, so we'll have to see. And don't ask me who it is because I never tell. ; )

My penpal from Norway wrote me today and I'm excited! His name is Harald and he's almost 16. Isn't that cute?

Today ended up being a study-party at Emily's house. It was really fun and we actually did work. Hoorah!

Environmental Club is tomorrow. Oh baby.

Wow, I'm so sleepy. Goodnight, my loves.

Let us go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

To switch into AP Lit, or not to switch into AP Lit? THAT is the question.

Maybe AP lit would be more work/more fun.. but I don't really feel like I fit in with all of those smart people. Sure, I love listening to them, but I don't feel like one of them.

I think I'm going to dye my hair red.


Harry: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here?
Sarah : Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?
Harry: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Sarah : Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.
Harry : I thought as much.

This weekend was actually fun overall. I'm pretending to ignore certain things, but it was fun despite all of that.
I'm almost done with my bloody homework.

My mom's birthday is this Tuesday. Let's throw her a party. (just kidding)

"A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still gently allows you to grow."

Some way, somehow, some time, some place, I will mean something to someone some day.

My clock is no longer 13 minutes fast.

"I've never met a girl like you before."

I feel like I'm losing myself. I am an invisible chameleon. It's hard for me to put into words the way I've been feeling lately. I think it really hit me that something is wrong when Brian wrote a note to my mom about me. I guess I didn't realize it was that obvious to other people. The fire in my heart is out. I could blame it on school, but I know that it is not the entire reason. I find myself saying less and less because I'm afraid of letting people see what I'm really thinking. I always feel like I'm interrupting. I wish someone really wanted to listen/talk to me. I think of strange things. Let's have a temporary book swap.

You have an amazingly eclectic interest in walls, spokes, yaks, seats, and even the Olympics. It'll all come out in the wash.

Back to you, it always comes around back to you.

closer, closer -- a little too close

Whether it's the best of times,

or the worst of times,

it's the only time we've got.

-Art Buchwald

hahahaha

My second semester schedule is a JOKE! hahahaha

I am trying to clean out my entire room today! HAHAHAHAHA
that's a real KNEE SLAPPER.

P.S. LAUREN IS HOME FROM THE WOODS

If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go....

http://explodingdog.com/january2/cantletgo.html

Two Days??

I think my theme of this year is going to be WORK HARD, PLAY HARD.

Yay for toga-making last night. :) It was pretty intense.

Now it's time to clean out my room because I'm going to show it to everyone. It's evolving into a reflection of me and I like it.

I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for the return to school.

My passport came in the mail the other day. Things like that are concrete and make me realize what I will doing in the near future.
List of Concrete Things in My Life:
-passport
-class schedule
-college applications
-my paints
-my driver's license
-voter's card
-the looks on the faces of my relatives when they realize how old I am now
-my favorite older cousin is pregnant

Despite my anxiety, I am ready to move on. I need to start anew. School is a bore to me. I want to want to learn. But I'll give school a chance for now. What other choice do I have?
I have been making a list of goals for senior year. Even if I don't accomplish all of them, I like looking back at the end of the year to see the person I was at the beginning. After 8th grade, I wrote in my journal a long list of questions for my future self to answer pertaining to things that would happen in high school. Once in a while, I go through the list and answer them to myself. It's amazing how much has happened to me and how much I have changed as a person while still holding on to the person I have always been.

Question of Today: What is your favorite color Skittle and why?

With the lights out, it’s less dangerous

I want you to be more than a distraction.

"Recycle Me!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LOLA!!

:)

I don't wanna be anyone other than me.

It appears I need to write another to-do list for there are only 2 things left on my old one. *hurrah!*

Let's hear it for a stimulating crunch.

Can you feel the love tonight?

My family adventure to Galena actually turned out to be a lot of fun. Who wants a detailed account of it? You do, sir? Well here is the next best thing - a list:

-2 1/2 hour drive there (not too bad)
-lots of gravel farm roads that seem to never end
-we stayed at this place called chestnut mountain and it's really a ski resort but I thought it was beautiful in the summer as well
-My dad and I went down this alpine slide thing which was fun but really bumpy. It was definitely an experience though.
-Didn't lose my flip flops on the chair lift
-BEST PLAYGROUND EVER:
-complete with the bubble like merry-go-round
-two swings that rotated around a pole (amazingly cool)
-other inferior swings
-see-saw
-slide
-the hotel was hosting a NCRS (national corvette restoration society) convention so the parking lot was filled with corvettes and my dad was in heaven because his first car was a red corvette but I won't say the year because it's really old, teehee.
-I went swimming for the first time in a long time/hot tub = :)
-I dried off by sitting on my towel outside on the hill
-shopping in downtown Galena was kind of fun. Most of the buildings were very old and they were really neat to see. I bought a pair of earrings and a candle that smells really good
-wore my sunglasses all day which was sooo nice. they make me happy.
-my mom told me that she admires how I listen to my "inner voice" because most people don't and it is almost always right.
-On Friday night, Katie and I sat outside the hotel on this big hill eating popcorn and listening to Coldplay as the sun was setting over the Mississippi River. We stayed out and looked at the (many) stars. It was lovely to have time to reflect on my current situation while being in the middle of such beauty.

Overall, it was just a nice 2-day getaway and a last summer hurrah.

P.S. What's going on for Lola's birthday????? :) :)
P.P.S. I'm excited about crossing off so many things on my to-do list. Yay. I finally stuffed and sewed my favorite little pillow back up so now it is happy.

we didn't start the fire

I will be in Galena for like 2 days on a random family vacation so if I don't return your calls, that is why.

Don't miss me too much. (hah.)

That'll do pig, that'll do.

I found my ring from the past today. It's too big for my ring finger so I'll be wearing it on my thumb I guess.

There will be a table set up for Environmental Club during freshmen registration this Tuesday, the 17th. We only need about 2 people there at a time, but it would be nice to work out some sort of shift system. Let me know if you would like to volunteer your time/can photocopy flyers for me.

I was paid $9/hour today for babysitting. Hotttt. One of the girls made a bracelet for me and I made one for her and it was cute.

Now I am off to make dinner and go rent a movie with Phil.

Ole!
(Where is the accent? I do not know.)

Just put on a happy face... =)

I'm just going to try and suck it up from now on.

Ok?

Ok.

This blog makes it seem like my life sucks, when it really doesn't. I've done a bunch of fun things lately and I will attempt to list the ones that I can remember......

-paint shopping/painting/being drenched by the rain/pet store mice with Dima
-park going/fire making/Sorry playing (and losing)/walking/eating with Phil
-decorating for John's birthday
-lunch with Hannah and Brian
-working with Hannah for a day
-party at Kim's house
-picnic
-volunteering to stamp textbooks for NHS=death to my fingers
-lots of babysitting=lots of $$
-going to panera with Nate and Ryan? Bryan?/talking Jackie and meeting her hilarious sister
-Harold and Kumar watching
-that's all I can remember right now, hehe

dinner time

a cheap motel

I swear, my life isn't all bad news! I've actually done lots of fun things this week...except I can't remember exactly what they are right now.... And at this moment I am not happy.

I have this feeling of emptiness I suppose.. it's almost as though I realize how meaningless my life is and that there is nothing I can do to change it. I mean, what's the point? (How many times have I had to answer that question for other people and now I can't even answer it myself?) I feel..not suicidal.. but more wishing that I could just take a break from living and come back when I have things sorted out in my head, you know? I hate being such a downer. I'm just not used to holding conversations anymore and it makes me feel awkward. I don't smile as much as I used to and now when I do smile, it feels unnatural and fake. I'm really dreading going back to school. The other day Caesar said something to me along the lines of..."you don't like school and you feel unsatisfied in the summer.. when will you be happy?" That made me stop. I truly don't know the answer. I feel like I'm unlovable. But then, maybe my expectations are too high. I'm so unrealistic and my head is stuck in the clouds. It really hurts when someone has to bring me back down to reality. Here I am, spilling my guts. Ick, right from the start of this day, something was rubbing me the wrong way.

I'm sorry I don't know all the right things to say. I'm sorry that I don't even care. I'm sorry that I'm too insecure to let myself love someone else because I know that all I'll end up with is a broken heart. I'm sorry that we'll grow apart and I won't talk to you for 20 years and then we'll be old and the memories will have faded into the sunsets. I'm sorry that I'm still trying to be perfect and failing miserably. I'm sorry that I don't have any talents and that I don't give people the chance to see the real me. I'm like a peach - I bruise easily.

I wonder what everyone else went home and thought about tonight. I'm just wasting time.

@#(*)@!_((*#((*$#&

I'm going crazy now that my entire family is back at home. It really is time for me to move out. I love them all to death but they drive me crazy. It's just a major shock to have all of us in one place again. I need my space and I was just getting used to having it. My pie turned out really well and that made me a little bit happier.

Isn't is strange how everyone dies? Would I be ready to die tonight? My parents are getting really old. It scares me sometimes to think about it.

It's hard to be honest when you know what you say will hurt someone else.

Today was one of those days where I turn something someone said to me over and over in my mind. How do you stop thinking about something? Why is it that it is so easier to remember negative things that were said as opposed to the positives?

One of the priests at my church has been in the hospital. He's having surgery on his heart next Friday. It hurt me to even look at him because his usual energy was gone..

GAHHHHHHH!!!! I never do anything right. It's all an illusion. I'm tired of trying so hard just to be a big FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT.

Creepy? Oh yes.

You know I'm having a bad day when I post multiple times over the course of a few hours.
I'm not used to so much activity in my neighborhood. Across the street people are moving in. There are so many boys around. My next-door neighbors are having some sort of middle aged women get together on their porch. I was going to take a shower earlier when I walk in the bathroom (the window was open) and hear these annoying voices talking about brownies or something. I was just imagining them watching my silhouette in the window and talking about that. Creepy? Oh yes. So I just shut the window and hoped for the best. Ahhh, they remind me of the red hat purple dress cult.
I made a pie crust/pudding today. It's for Katie since she is coming home tonight.
I still need to weigh the food we collected at the fair for Loaves and Fishes. I'm thinking about getting a group of people together so that we could volunteer there one morning. I've done it before and they usually just have you help sort all of the food that comes in or gather up different items to make into one bag. If anyone is interested LET ME KNOW so I can talk to the people there about a good time/date.
The NFA meeting needs to happen this week.
My senior picture thing is next Saturday.. YIPPEE.....


"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Emerson

No matter where you go... there you are.

These days I find
I’m wasting my time
On all the little things
That shouldn’t concern me
Weighing my heart
With such confused emotion
Letting anxiousness in
Where peace should prevail

It’s just my humanity
Getting the better of me
It’s just my humanity
Getting the better, getting the better of me

Quarter of a billion

Can't sleep. The phone rang at 7:30. Who calls at 7:30!?!? I was too tired to get up and answer it though. Now I feel restless because no one else is awake yet. Katie and parents are coming back some time today. That will be weird. I liked having just me, Jenny, and Laura at home for the past few days. : /