a cheap motel

I swear, my life isn't all bad news! I've actually done lots of fun things this week...except I can't remember exactly what they are right now.... And at this moment I am not happy.

I have this feeling of emptiness I suppose.. it's almost as though I realize how meaningless my life is and that there is nothing I can do to change it. I mean, what's the point? (How many times have I had to answer that question for other people and now I can't even answer it myself?) I feel..not suicidal.. but more wishing that I could just take a break from living and come back when I have things sorted out in my head, you know? I hate being such a downer. I'm just not used to holding conversations anymore and it makes me feel awkward. I don't smile as much as I used to and now when I do smile, it feels unnatural and fake. I'm really dreading going back to school. The other day Caesar said something to me along the lines of..."you don't like school and you feel unsatisfied in the summer.. when will you be happy?" That made me stop. I truly don't know the answer. I feel like I'm unlovable. But then, maybe my expectations are too high. I'm so unrealistic and my head is stuck in the clouds. It really hurts when someone has to bring me back down to reality. Here I am, spilling my guts. Ick, right from the start of this day, something was rubbing me the wrong way.

I'm sorry I don't know all the right things to say. I'm sorry that I don't even care. I'm sorry that I'm too insecure to let myself love someone else because I know that all I'll end up with is a broken heart. I'm sorry that we'll grow apart and I won't talk to you for 20 years and then we'll be old and the memories will have faded into the sunsets. I'm sorry that I'm still trying to be perfect and failing miserably. I'm sorry that I don't have any talents and that I don't give people the chance to see the real me. I'm like a peach - I bruise easily.

I wonder what everyone else went home and thought about tonight. I'm just wasting time.