"You remind me of the leak in my soul."

I'm sad and alone.

Someone please call me tomorrow evening.

I can't stand living in my house anymore.

I AM NEVER ALONE.

Pardon me for not wanting your stuff all over my bed everyday. Geez...

I need some time to regroup with myself and I can't do it here.

Bah, even as I write this there are people coming and going.

I need to stop being so overly analytical of the littlest things and stop making assumptions based on weak evidence.

There is some emotion I am missing right now and it's bothering me.

I want to cry but I can't.

My grades are atrocious. I really don't want to see my quarter grades.. Damn, we have only been in school for one quarter.

I have work tomorrow from 8:30-2. I still have a bunch of forms to fill out for them.

Bloody hell, I have that bad feeling again.

What a world.

Who wants to curl up and disappear with me for a while?

Come with me and let yourself go

Don't tell me things just because you know it's what I want to hear.

I just want to have a good week and I will.

one and two and three and four.

Six Flags was amazing (of course).
Thanks, Phil. Best birthday present ever.

Ah......my ears are ringing!!
I am SO tired right now. We spent...13 hours there! +2 for driving. Oh la la.

http://www.peggykline.com/oz2.jpg
Ruby red slippers = the solution to any problem.

"fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa...never be the same again.."

meow

So this is my last official day of being a kid.

It's just so weird...this whole 18th birthday thing is coming as a shock to me. I haven't really had time to notice how fast things are going past me.

I'm like Peter Pan- I don't wanna grow up... It seems like just yesterday when I wore my goofy skirts with shorts underneath and stood on top of the big swing in my backyard and swung sideways while singing songs like "I'd Do Anything for You" from Oliver Twist with Zoe and we'd make berry and pinecone soup in our hideouts inside of the bushes and then we would play house and I'd always be the oldest and I would hate making up a pretend name because it seemed like all the good ones were always taken and then sometimes Zoe's Ya-ya would come over and we would jump rope until we messed up and she would count for us and then give us those Greek cookies and I remember the one time when her parents weren't home but the music was still playing and we were really freaked out and didn't know what to do or how Nick would chase us around the basement with his remote control cars and run over our toes and I remember when they first got their cat Tux and how her little teeth were so sharp and how we would play in the sprinklers during the summer and how we drew with crayon all over her treehouse until one day when her mom found out and she made us take big buckets of soapy water up there and we scrubbed and scrubbed for what seemed like it was all day and how we would use the windchimes underneath as a signal for different things and how one day we decided to "run away" to Kendall park by telling our parents we went to the other person's house but then our parents realized we were gone and started looking for us and found us climbing in the big bushes at the park and how that was the only time I've ever been grounded and how I watched everyone play in my backyard from the midget window but then my mom said I was "grounded outside" and I got to play with everyone again and when my other neighbors dug up the back of their yard to build that grotesque garage they have and there was this big flowering bush that I used to play in and then they cut it down and I cried and cried because it wasn't fair and how when they dug up the ground to build the foundation they gave us all of this extra dirt and how we would spray in with the hose and have this massive pit of mud and how I loved the feeling on it inbetween my toes and how butterflies would come into my backyard and I would make sugar water for them and how they would land on me and how I thought we had some kind of connection and how I would build forts in the basement with my little sisters and we would have slides and we would play school and I'd be the teacher and we would draw on that big dry-erase board......

Exactly 5 hours and 9 minutes until it's all over, but I'll never forget.

Come on, come on

"You're obviously not some mutated wart he wants to get rid of." -Katie, my sister.

The Velveteen Rabbit

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Oh, Charlie Brown..... :)

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by

I tried my best to look dignified as I walked through the crowded hotel lobby wearing my red plaid pajama pants and carrying my worn writing notebook, a portable CD player, a bag of popcorn, my sunglasses, and my favorite blue hooded sweatshirt. As I pushed open the main door, a rush of night air greeted me. Glad to escape the high-heeled shoes and plastic conversations of the lobby, I followed a path to the back of the hotel. I tossed my pile of stuff on the grass at the top of the hill. Though the air was cooling off, I sat on top of my sweatshirt and curled the edges over my bare feet – a blanket. I looked down at the Mississippi River and watched it reflect the fading colors of the sky. A stillness rested in the air, allowing my thoughts to wander. Looking through my CDs, I quickly chose Coldplay.

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do

Yeah, they were all yellow

I have always wanted to be the “you” in a love song. I can pretend that I am, but then I realized that most everyone else does the same thing. Grant wrote a tree-hugging song for me, but it just doesn’t compare. It was then I wished I had someone there with me. That person wouldn’t care that my hair was wild from the pool, my cheeks were a little sunburned, my eyes were tired, or that I was unable to form coherent sentences. I have stopped trying to be perfect.

As the sky grew darker, the hotel lights became brighter. Wanting to look at the stars, I picked up my belongings and found a spot far away from the glaring lights. That night, I’m pretty sure I saw a shooting star. What did I wish for? I can’t tell, because then it wouldn’t come true.

Oh baby. I'm exhausted. Today was a long day. Tonight will be a long night. Tomorrow will be another long day, except that it will be Friday. Hooray for Friday.

ALL OF MY COLLEGE APPS ARE DUE THIS MONDAY. Shoot me now. Or make me work. Bah.

I'm currently trying to write my causal essay. The theme of it is best described by the words of Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” It has potential, I suppose. I'm kinding of changing it from my original idea.... But anyway.

I'm just really tired. Really really really tired.

Quote of the day:
"Do you have any tape? Because I'm ripped!"

Somebody needs some sleep.....aka ME.

P.S. Hannah really needs to take that disgusting picture of me out of the yearbook.

P.P.S. Too bad my paper won't write itself.

Vercingetorix etait tres puissant..

I'm feeling better now. I think it was a combination of people being nice and reading out loud from my French history textbook which is exhausting after about 4 pages.

My headache is starting to go away..... thank you, Advil.... but my neck still hurts like a mo.

There is constantly some form of music in my house. Don't get me wrong, I love it and it's good and I'm sometimes the cause of it, BUT IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. I can't THINK with all this noise.

I'm learning how to take the initiative.


.peace, love, and kangaroos.

We'll all be fine.

Ok, I am stressed. Really stressed. I just set the kitchen timer for 1 hour and figured I should try and sleep off my pounding headache and then start my homework after it. But no. I went up to my bed, actually Laura's bed since her mattress is practically brand new, and tried to sleep. I was there for about 10 minutes and all I could do was think about the things I have to do in the next 2 days. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Bloody hell. It is so overwhelming. I finally got out of bed and wrote a list of things I have to do in order of their priority. I'll write it here so I don't forget.

1. Study for vector make-up quiz at 7 AM tomorrow.
2. Study for French history test - vocab, practice short answers, answer question packet.
3. Study for physics test.
4. Answer physics objectives.
5. Write physics reflection.
6. Make physics notecard.
7. Begin Carnassium project - due Friday.
8. Math homework.
9. Start rough draft of causal essay - due Friday.
10. Put copy of plan on a disk or print it out.
11. Study for make-up chapter 4 physics test on Friday.
12. Physics textbook worksheet - due Friday.
13. Formal physics prelab (typed) - due Friday.
14. Math POW - if time.
15. COLLEGE STUFF???!.............................
16. International relations.......................................

So yes. I'm a realllll happy camper right now. ::dies::

But good news- I only missed one point on the math quiz I thought I would fail. Hoorah. ......

Banana bread is so good.

I wish my brain would stop pounding my skull. owwwwwwwww =( man, this bites.

Suddenly Susan

I wrote this sophmore year for Enriched Written as an autobiography to put on the websites we made.. serenity.4fate.net if you want to see the entire thing. I think this is cute and brutally honest:

I was always the sweet one—sweet, innocent, shy Susan. Perhaps that was because of my ideals, my family, my morals, my attitude, and my relationships with others.

You forgot your pencil? Susan has one to lend you. You had a rough day and need someone to talk to? Susan will listen. You don't understand how to do that homework problem? Susan will explain it to you or she will find out how to do it.

All of that sounds nice, huh? It was nice, but there was a problem. As I grew older I realized that people easily take advantage of kindness. All of a sudden—I saw that I was being used. You forgot your pencil? Susan will give you her only one and try to find another. No priority was given to myself—everyone always came before me.

I was made to fit an image. I was the token "nice girl." I dressed like my friends, shopped at the stores they did, giggled about the same boys, and even had the same brand of pretzels they did. Doing anything out of the ordinary was frowned upon and not an option.

At the beginning of eighth grade, a change was needed. Most of that year was spent being sick and I slowly withdrew from my circle of friends. During freshman year I made new friends, tried new activities, and became more open-minded. Yet looking back, despite all of these new experiences, I still looked down upon people who weren't "normal."

But then everything changed.

Look at me now—almost entirely different. My outlook on life changed drastically in the last two years. No longer do I care what people think about me--it simply isn't worth it. I have been there, done that. Acting a certain way to please others cannot lead to true happiness. Dressing the way I feel, laughing at what I find funny, and pursuing my own interests has led me to find a greater sense of self and contentment. A "happy shield" surrounds me and it is extremely difficult to penetrate. I try to bring out the best in people and show them that sometimes you have to let everything go in order to move on and grow. My passion is volunteering in hopes that I will make other's lives even a little bit better. The organizations I'm involved in range from Environmental Club to Literary Magazine, from Amnesty International to a 4-H Club. I have played the viola since elementary school and love the feeling of making music. I write happy lists, finger paint, and sing every time I feel like it. This is what I have become, who I am, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. An extra pencil will always be in my purse—in case you ever need it.

These are my tears from when I was 9 feet tall!

I am so proud of myself because I burned a CD from a CD for the first time yesterday (Garden State soundtrack). I even put other songs from my computer at the end of it. Hurrah!

I spent yesterday with Hannah, Blair, and Evan and we had so much fun together. We shopped at Trader Joe's and Casey's for our dinner. Wait until you hear the menu...it was outrageous(!) but really good.

-Spinach salad with creamy poppy seed dressing
-Pear/Gorgonzola Pizza
-Home-made macaroni and cheese with cool noodles
-Broccoli
-Soy beans
-Apples

After dinner and cleaning up 1/2 of the stuff, we took a walk and gave a cat a diabetic shot. When we got back, we finished cleaning up and told stories, wrote a hilarious email to Parato, and ate mango/vanilla sorbet with raspberries and coconut cashews while watching an old-school 80s version of Alice in Wonderland.

It was fabulous and Blair invited me to go with them to the Independent Film Festival in Chicago next weekend.

It is so nice outside today. I love the smell of laundry detergent. Volunteering tonight....I'm so glad you guys are going to do it with me. I think it will be a lot of fun. :)


"Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting."

-William Arthur Ward

You're the alligator?

Well, I had a lovely night besides the part where I fell off the rock... haha.

Garden State is an amazing movie.

Tied up and twisted the way I like to be

I loved St. Norbert. I think I would really fit in there. They are focused on service and I liked this atmosphere even better than Grinnell. The dorms were surprisingly big and this time I got to sleep on a futon instead of the floor! The bed I slept in was so much more comfortable than my own (which reminds me of how I need a new mattress)... Meeting so many new people makes me happy. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. We went bowling which was pretty funny. The theme song from this trip was that meatloaf song that goes "I would do anything for love..." The theme song from Grinnell was "you sexy thing" by like.. hot chocolate or something..? I love college already. Get me out of high school now. Thanks.
But I missed all of you guys back home. I got Lola and Caesar's message on my phone as we were driving home today and it was so cute. Another thing was as we got to the first stop, someone's dad and little sister were waiting there and as soon as our bus pulled up the little girl jumped out and she had the biggest smile on her face as she tried to see her sister through the bus window. It reminded me of my little sisters and how I won't be there for all of their junior high/high school dramas and how Jenny wrote that Katie and I are her heroes.. it's just really strange to have people look up to you. I've never had that kind of relationship being the oldest and all.. I think it's different than admiring your parents, you know?

Anyway...... I have decided I will not create problems for myself anymore which is why I am going to tackle my physics homework with renewed vigor.

Progressive Revelations

Here we go again...


I'm so tired of sleeping in beds that aren't my own.


Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.

Don't you think I know exactly where I stand?

All I am is a distraction.





Use me while I still let you.


Thank you so much. You're welcome...