we're not the same inside

I've never been a big fan of listening to myself talk.

Avoiding.......? Yeah. But can you blame me?

We celebrated my gramma's 85th birthday today. I can't help but wonder if it's the last time I'll kiss her goodbye. I wonder if my mom thinks about that. "It's hell to be old, kid," she says. Talking to her makes me nervous-- I feel like I can't talk loudly enough or ennuciate sufficiently. Translator, please. But there are times when I do it and I make her laugh. She used to have a song about practically everything.

I had this intense discussion with one of my uncles about homelessness, the environment, and politics tonight. I was proud of myself because he is conservative, skeptical, and opinionated but I got him to think outside of what he is used to and consider what I was saying. We found some common ground after a while and I've learned to not accept ideas without questioning them first and having support behind them. My aunt made him leave because they had to go take their dogs out but we could have kept going for hours.

I got a 99 on pretty much the hardest exam ever. Don't tell anyone because I ruined the curve and I'll get killed.

I ate a sandwich at Potbelly's for the first time last weekend when I was in Madison. A momentous occasion.

I don't know why I'm writing in here again.

have you made it up?

This blog just has something that livejournal doesn't. I like being able to so easily go back and read my past entries in big chunks. I can say, "What was I thinking exactly 2 years ago on this day?" and find it.

So here I am again. Months later. Maybe even a year? I'm not sure.

I'm in college now. It's hard to believe I'm really here. This is my life now. But it's getting there. Strangers become friends.

It's actually really good to be able to take care of myself. To have my own space. So many opportunities to do good.

This is weird having my thoughts public again...very weird. It will take some getting used to.

I had a really nice birthday yesterday. It was pretty much a normal day that was special and that's really all I wanted.

I'm going on a service weekend for M3C tomorrow. It should actually be a lot of fun. Hope it doesn't rain.....

<3

Does anyone read this anymore? I feel sad about not writing in here just because I started it so long ago. In a few clicks, my thoughts/feelings from a certain place and time come up. I was reading through older entries and I realized how much I've changed but at the same time just how much I have stayed the same. Graduation is in how many total days? Nine.

A Noteworthy Epiphany

I really need someone in my life who will just slap me upside the head once in a while and tell me to wake up(!) and stop being so rationally irrational.

Any takers?

I've figured out part of my problem. I hate the fact that other people are able to control my emotions. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Every once in a while, I realize that someone has this power over me and I get very upset and mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Now I've gone and done it again today. Sorry just can't work in this type of situation. It's not the other person's fault, it's not my fault, it's just my reaction to the situation. It scares me and then I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can get along just fine without that person's presence in my life. It's completely irrational and I hate it and I wish there were some better way I could explain it. I guess you could call it a defense mechanism but it hurts me so much. Why is it the people I care about the most are the ones I trust the least?

I'm think afraid of what others will find inside my mind.

Why?

The reason I haven't been writing in here is because I have been using my livejournal instead. If anyone cares to read it there is a link over there to the right or the address is http://www.livejournal.com/users/_suzie_blue_

:) suz

Hillbilly Washtub Bass--it's not Italian, but it's the real thing!

For some reason, the strong winds are making me feel anxious. Wind makes me feel like something is coming and I'm not ready for it. I just fell asleep on the couch for two hours, despite the loud noises made by the rest of my family. I am so tired.

Lauren and her presents are out of control!!!

My wrist still really hurts a lot. Somebody make it better.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......I just have to bust it out this week and remind myself of how break is so close.

It's strange for me to feel wanted.

4-H recognition night (day) made me feel kind of sad because of how young I was when I started it and how old I am now. I got this cute notepad for leadership and I'm actually going to use it.

I'm sorry if I have been rather detached lately... sometimes even I don't know where my mind wanders to.

I love all of you.

WE WILL SURVIVE

hey hey!

Sometimes..

Sometimes when I'm listening to music, it is loud enough for me to drown my thoughts in.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I sing really loud.

Sometimes I pick up the phone, just to hear the dial tone.

Sometimes I write letters that I never send.

Sometimes Olga takes me over.

Sometimes I like drinking out of this one glass at my house...

Sometimes I really don't like talking about religion.

Sometimes I like to see how much I can get away with.

Sometimes I never want to let go.

My life will always have dirty dishes.
If this sink can become a place of contemplation,
let me learn constancy here.
--Gunilla Norris

Where will I sleep tonight?

Trying please people (particularly my little sisters) is getting me less than nowhere.
I always get shafted just because I'm the oldest. I could go on and rant about my current situation, but I won't because it is a waste of time and energy.

My dad told me I am not very good at expressing anger and that I look a lot like my Auntie Theresa. She is the youngest of seven, the cute one. I wonder how good she is at being angry.

I have about a 7-pound bag of clothes to give away. My mom won't like this, but I will tell her it will make me happier.

Less is more.

I made pies today for Thanksgiving. Oh, that is tomorrow. I like seeing my relatives though, which is a definite plus.

Last night I dreamed I was in a restaurant and a blond boy was at the next table. He was taking a test and had just written his name on the top. It said "S H A" and well, sha is a long story, but it made me curious. So I went over and asked him if that was his real name and he said it wasn't. His real name was Mary __-sha. He was from southern London and had an accent. He was very tall. We then went to a room with panels of maps and proceded to find the one that had a map of London with an arrow down saying "southern politics" and some other arrow to the east. He then met my mom who said something about wanting a first born son (wink wink). That was rather disturbing and I promptly woke up in a cabin in the woods. (No really, I did wake up in a cabin in the woods.)

Last night was fun. "We cooked, crafted, and cackled."

How do I feel about the snow? I LIKE IT. I think. I'm just floating through life right now anyway.

What day is today anyhow? The 24th...hey, today is Ben's birthday. Happy birthday to him.

I cleaned out my closet today. It is good.

I've kind of always wanted to sleep in a bathtub.

let go, go on.

Just let everything go!

Only one more day of school to go. I am feeling good.

Who smokes a cactus?? My sister's health class is crazy. Who remembers the list of goals/dreams we had to write for that? I wonder if I can find mine somewhere and see vhat I have done from zem.

I vant to have some FUN zis veekend!! Call me everyday. I vill be tired from vork but zat iz ok.

"I WORK ALL DAY.....and PLAY ALL NIGHT!"
giggle giggle.

I am so happy right now.

I'm going to play piano again.


Everything vill be ok, of zis I am sure.

Incomprehensible Longing

Back and forth, back and forth.

I remember a time when I thought all of your crafted words were for me.

Oh, to be so young.



I may be disposable but I am not replaceable.

Love me!

I need you to hear.

I really need someone to talk to right now. Alas, all of you have lives while I go see the play with my mom and I have to leave after the first act because I was upset.

I have major trust issues. I always think people have ulterior motives for being around me or for being nice.

I got my first college acceptance letter today. How does that make me feel? It was a very nice letter though. They actually wrote it to me personally (I know this because they explained specifically why they accepted me) instead of a mass mailing type of thing. I'd get $8000/year from my grades and stuff.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME. It would be so nice to disappear for awhile. Get a hold of yourself.

Did you want me to change?

I'm not ready. Just 5 more minutes... please?


I need to exfoliate my emotions.

This is me down on my knees.

No tomorrow, no tomorrow...

Ok, fine. What really upset me at the play. I just saw so many people and they have someone to go with. I'm jealous. Not to mention the fact that I could identify so well with Rachel's character that it almost hurt to watch. "And she ran to the pantry four consecutive times."

How do you live
as a fugitive?

I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I'm not quite as well,
I thought you should know.
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

In general, I detest the male species.

It's fun to people-watch while rating their sex lives on a scale of 1 to 10.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I realized that I cannot face the thought of loving somebody so much and then watching them die.

Damn, why does it seem like my mother is right about everything? Oh right- it's because she is.

I want a boy.

Bad ass mothafucka.

I'm maxed out like a credit card.

I don't know what's going on with me. I can't let people get close to me. I don't talk very often nowadays.. let alone say anything worthwhile.

I had to sneak my new rug into my room. Don't ask.

Hello, awkward silence.






Goodnight.



I realize that now. Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight. I'm so lost.
But who really cares??? Lauren is right. Screw inhibitions- in less than a year I'll never see anyone again.

SHOW YOUR WORLD TO ME.


Sha la la la la la..

Would it be a sin?