i wrote this earlier... but i couldn't get online so yah. here it is now.
God, I feel so alone. Don’t ask me what’s wrong- the better question is what’s right and the answer to that is nothing. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t deal with myself. Why am I the only one that has issues? How can everyone else be decently happy? I have no major reason to be upset/depressed. I just don’t. I think I hate myself. But at the same time I don’t and I’m happy with who I am. I got a 68% on my metacognitive. Fuck. That reallllly sucks. I’m so upset. I can’t take this. I would have gotten a 78 if it hadn’t have been late and that’s still pretty bad. Gah.. I just.. don’t know what to do. And the bio test today- oh man. I probably failed it. I am seriously losing my mind. I forget everything- I have no memory. I’m also extremely tired and I can never focus or concentrate on anything I’m doing. And the things that I do do mean nothing to me. They are worthless and have no value. Someone help me.. not that anyone will because no one cares about me. They just don’t get it. I need… I don’t know what I need. Nevermind. I’m just so… I don’t know. And my heart hurts. It feels like it’s sinking. Not like from running or anything.. it just feels heavy. My body temperature is always way too low. When my temperature is 98 degrees I have a fever. And then there’s my finger. I thought I should put it back into the almost boiling water again. So I did. Last night I could hardly stand the pain, but this time, it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t even feel it. I’m numb. Numb to everything. And everyone. I’m so alone. And Lauren, I don’t know what to do with you. I can’t handle your problems and mine at the same time anymore. It’s killing me. And I don’t know what to do. I love you but it’s killing me. I wish I could just make you understand but you don’t listen to me. You don’t even try to listen. I can’t do that. There’s only so many times I can tell you the same thing. How much you mean to everyone. How much you mean to me. And it’s all true. You know me… I CAN’T lie and I would never lie about something like this.
I went to my old elementary school today to pick up my little sisters. It made me want to cry. Back then everything was so simple. I want it to be simple again. But it’s not and it never can be. I want to become a hermit and live far far away from here. I want to run away, I want to cry, I want to escape this life, I want to be free. But I can’t. I never give up. I’m a perfectionist and a procrastinator and that does NOT work. It just doesn’t work. I can’t go on like this but I don’t know how I can change. Something is missing in my life and I don’t know what it is. I don’t even care about dying anymore. By accident of course.. like right now, I have nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing. I have no hope for the future. And frankly, I don’t even care…
I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle all of this anymore. Someone help me. I need it. There are tears in my eyes but they won’t come out. I can’t cry. I have no emotion. It’s so close.. but I can’t.
I’m going to volunteer at Katherine Manor tonight instead of going to the show. I don’t know if I can handle that either. But I’m going to go. Maybe they’ll teach me something about life. About how lucky I am. Because I am lucky. But I ruin it for myself. I feel so dumb. I always push people away when they try and help me. I don’t know what else to say.
God, I feel so alone. Don’t ask me what’s wrong- the better question is what’s right and the answer to that is nothing. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t deal with myself. Why am I the only one that has issues? How can everyone else be decently happy? I have no major reason to be upset/depressed. I just don’t. I think I hate myself. But at the same time I don’t and I’m happy with who I am. I got a 68% on my metacognitive. Fuck. That reallllly sucks. I’m so upset. I can’t take this. I would have gotten a 78 if it hadn’t have been late and that’s still pretty bad. Gah.. I just.. don’t know what to do. And the bio test today- oh man. I probably failed it. I am seriously losing my mind. I forget everything- I have no memory. I’m also extremely tired and I can never focus or concentrate on anything I’m doing. And the things that I do do mean nothing to me. They are worthless and have no value. Someone help me.. not that anyone will because no one cares about me. They just don’t get it. I need… I don’t know what I need. Nevermind. I’m just so… I don’t know. And my heart hurts. It feels like it’s sinking. Not like from running or anything.. it just feels heavy. My body temperature is always way too low. When my temperature is 98 degrees I have a fever. And then there’s my finger. I thought I should put it back into the almost boiling water again. So I did. Last night I could hardly stand the pain, but this time, it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t even feel it. I’m numb. Numb to everything. And everyone. I’m so alone. And Lauren, I don’t know what to do with you. I can’t handle your problems and mine at the same time anymore. It’s killing me. And I don’t know what to do. I love you but it’s killing me. I wish I could just make you understand but you don’t listen to me. You don’t even try to listen. I can’t do that. There’s only so many times I can tell you the same thing. How much you mean to everyone. How much you mean to me. And it’s all true. You know me… I CAN’T lie and I would never lie about something like this.
I went to my old elementary school today to pick up my little sisters. It made me want to cry. Back then everything was so simple. I want it to be simple again. But it’s not and it never can be. I want to become a hermit and live far far away from here. I want to run away, I want to cry, I want to escape this life, I want to be free. But I can’t. I never give up. I’m a perfectionist and a procrastinator and that does NOT work. It just doesn’t work. I can’t go on like this but I don’t know how I can change. Something is missing in my life and I don’t know what it is. I don’t even care about dying anymore. By accident of course.. like right now, I have nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing. I have no hope for the future. And frankly, I don’t even care…
I don’t know what to do. I can’t handle all of this anymore. Someone help me. I need it. There are tears in my eyes but they won’t come out. I can’t cry. I have no emotion. It’s so close.. but I can’t.
I’m going to volunteer at Katherine Manor tonight instead of going to the show. I don’t know if I can handle that either. But I’m going to go. Maybe they’ll teach me something about life. About how lucky I am. Because I am lucky. But I ruin it for myself. I feel so dumb. I always push people away when they try and help me. I don’t know what else to say.
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