i'm so bored right now.
man....
=/
i'm getting a headache too.
:(
sometimes i feel so unappreciated.
but i should never expect anything of anyone, right?
that way i'll never be disappointed, right?
gah, i hate that.
i expect the world of everybody
and i except them to do the same of me.
is that wrong?
i wouldn't say i get disappointed very often...
but when i do... it's pretty bad.
i try and let things go but they just pile up and make me crazy sometimes.
i do have a tolerance limit.
ow... now i do have a headache.
blah.
i cleaned all day.
dear god, i need a break.
my parents were afraid.
i'm such a perfectionist.
and when i do something, i DO something.
when i clean, i CLEAN.
i'm probably obsessive-compulsive too.
yay...
funny- i was going to make a list when i started
but i don't feel like it anymore.
i think i have serious trust issues.
i never really let anyone inside my head.
maybe that's because i think that it's not important
and that everyone already has their own problems to deal with without mine too.
yet somehow, it's ok for me to worry about them and not vice versa.
i really need to stop that.
but it's really hard and will most likely take a lonnng time.
and yesterday, i also thought about something else.
7.) It is rather twisted how everywhere you go, things are exactly the same, yet different. the roads look the same, the restaurants are the same, they are the same types of people, green always means go and red always means stop, we listen to the same music, we dress similiarly, we eat the same foods, we speak the same language, we've seen the same movies and read the same books...

someone call me tomorrow and/or sign my guestbook.

or else...

i WILL freak out.

goodnight.

i <3 helen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she got my new comment thing to work~!

:)

yay!

i'm excited!

feel free to leave comments whenever

no limit!

;)

yay for helen~! =D

i'm home, baby~!
:)
yay!
today was an interesting day.
i ended up visiting 2 colleges instead of one.
we first went to UW Green Bay where katie is spending the week for jazz camp.
eh... i didn't especially like it there.
it was too spread out and concrete and secluded from everything else.
i need community.
the dorm rooms i saw weren't that hot either.
and the beds... ouch!
i suppose it would be alright but it's not a place
that i would want to spend 4 years of my life at.
so after getting katie situated, we went to visit st. norbert's in de pere.
there wasn't anyone there to give a tour b/c it was a summer weekend
so we walked around the campus and looked.
it was a cute college.
very me.
there were lots of mature trees and
it's right on the fox river.
i think that there are many places i could go to just get away from everything
and that's important to me.
i still need to see the dorm rooms and check out the library as well.
they have this whole peace and justice center there
and i'm pretty interested in that.
i could see myself going there...
the only bad part is that it's catholic and fairly small.
i'm not really into religion and i think by going there
i would cut myself off from a lot of other types of people.
i WANT to have my ideas/beliefs challenged
because that is the only way to affirm or reconsider them.
i know that everyone is different in their own way despite religion
but i think that plays an important role.
i mean, this is college and i want to absorb as many different
ideas/people/experiences/knowledge as possible!
so... we'll see. i still have a lonnng time before making any decisions and
i have some other campuses i would like to visit as well.
but in the mean time, i just wanna get through high school!
well, it was about a 3 1/2 hour drive there, so on the way home i did some
thinking.
here are my thoughts:
1.) It amazes me how much unconscious trust we place in others. for example, while you're driving, you have to trust that the other people on the road are not going to flip out and go beserko on you- that they won't suddenly stop for no reason or start doing figure 8s on the highway. well, perhaps not to that extreme, but do you see what i mean? and it's weird how sooo many people have the same knowledge about how to drive. everyone knows what they have to do to make a right turn and we all do it the same way.
2.) While we were driving i kept seeing these cute couples driving with their arms around each other. aww...i really want that, you know? it reminds me of that song...

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

i love that song. :) so yeah, i want that feeling... windows down, that song playing, just driving... maybe someday...

3.) regarding dorm rooms: they suck. it is my personal mission to make mine as cool as possible. i can see it now.. it will rock and i'm good at making use of small spaces. yeahhh baby. i want color and an organized mess. either lots of memories or very little. i'll have to see. and i want to make my own sheets and blankets. i'm excited, baby.

4.) regarding climate: i hate months like februarys here. (haha, februaries.. ?!? no.) at first i thought that i want to live somewhere with only warm weather (california-- pepperdine) but i don't know. i think i would miss the pretty snow too much. i want somewhere that can have snowball fights and water balloon fights comfortably and as little blah weather as possible. i think i might get seasonal depression. i'm so influenced by my environment. (which is why UW Green Bay's concrete equals :( and st. norbert's trees equal :). )

5.) I want to be grown up, but i never want to grow up. i can be an adult but still have fun, you know? i never want to be embarrassed for doing something i want to do. who says that after the age of 10 finger painting and chalk and water balloons are off limits? psh, that's bs. i also never want to do anything just because everyone else does it or it's expected of me.

6.) I thought about what would happen if i left everything i have and started fresh. bought a big field and lived off the land. at first i thought that would be giving everything up but then i realized that it's not giving things up- it's letting them go. i mean, WHY do we have to live our lives in unsatisfying jobs and never fully appreciating life to the fullest?? i don't understand it. and don't tell me that "that's just the way it is" because life doesn't HAVE to be this way. if everyone decided that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives embracing life, then it would happen. i refuse to become a coporate slave- i mean, what does that kind of life lead to? lots of money? ok.. then what? money sucks. then you're old and have all this money but to do what with? the majority of your life has already passed you by. i want to travel, i want to SEE things, i want to experience things. i want change and i want to really live.

so here i am. i'm so wide awake right now. it doesn't seem as late as it is. i'm full of thoughts and i like it. this coming week is the week of cleaning out my house. it's going to be hard-core.

speaking of hard-core... ::cough cough:: you will not believe the things i saw in wisconsin. they are one dirrrrty state, baby. over about a one mile stretch, i saw 3 dirty stores. one sold "erotic adult movies- thousands of titles in stock," and the other 2 were adult book stores/etc. haha, funniest thing ever. katie and i saw the porn one at the same time and i had to do a double-take. we cracked up. i have dubbed that highway "porn drive." ;) hah, eww. i made a list of dirty/random signs i saw on the way there but that's still in the car so i'll write about those later. porn drive just stuck in my head. yeee~HAW.

a bunch of you guys have been getting some summer blues and if so...
CALL ME beasts! we'll do something and have fun and get out of that funk, baby!
i'm up for anything. :)

i am neurotic.
it has been decided.

i just found a red marker.
yippee!

i drew a smiley face on my hand with that red marker.
example... :)

i see an almost empty water bottle
with no label.
it's naaaaaaaked!
::points and laughs::

hmm... let's make a list of things i'm looking at right now.

LIST:

-naked water bottles (hehe)
-white roses
-red marker
-biggggggg sunglasses
-blueberry muffins (mmmmmm)
-sunblock
-pink pencil with a nonexistent eraser
-aha! i found the water bottles clothes-- aquafina
-plaidness
-a picture of jenny from when she was 5 (awww so cute)
-my numerous mosquito bites (assholes)
-toy car
-IMs
-squishy black mouse pad
-HOT lamp
-table legs (so smoooooooth)
-answering machine
-CDs
-bird
-dr pepper
-sheets of music
-pepper shaker
-books
-tea cups
-my freckles

the end. goodnight everybody.
i'm visiting a college tomorrow.
yeeeeeeeeehaw~!
;)
mwah~!

haha.
i just realized something.
notice how i don't really write much in here anymore?
it's not that i have nothing to write about--
it's that i have no need to procrastinate on anything.
funny how that works, huh?

happy late birthday, pseudo-wiggie woman! :)
ow OW~!
yay for scented markers!

*#&$)(*@&!)(@)(!@&$(#@&$(*@

= my infinite profanity

my ass!!!!!!!!!!!

>:(

stupid bugs. i have like, 10 bites on my ass
and they all itch like hell.
(just in case you all wanted to know that..)

my random lyrics of the day:

"what i like about you" the romantics

hey, uh huh huh
hey, uh huh huh

what I like about you, you hold me tight
tell me I'm the only one, wanna' come over tonight, yea

you're whispering in my ear
tell me all the things that I wanna' to hear, 'cause that's true
that's what I like
that's what I like


what I like about you, you really know how to dance
when you go up, down, jump around, think about true romance, yea

that's what I like about you
that's what I like about you

wahh!

hey!

what I like about you, you keep me warm at night
never wanna' let you go, know you make me feel alright, yea

that's what I like about you
that's what I like about you
that's what I like about you (whispered)
that's what I like about you
that's what I like about you
that's what I like about you

more lyrics of the day: (MOOhaha)

Oh Suzie Q
Oh Suzie Q
Oh Suzie Q Baby I love you
Suzie Q

I like the way you walk
I like the way you talk
I like the way you walk I like the way you talk
Suzie Q

(Guitar solo)

Oh say that youll be true
Oh say that youll be true
Oh say that youll be true and never leave me blue
Suzie Q

Oh say that youll be mine
Oh say that youll be mine
Oh say that youll be mine Baby all the time
Suzie Q

(Guitar solo)

Oh, Suzie Q
Oh, Suzie Q
Oh, Suzie Q, Baby, I love you
Suzie Q

I like the way you walk
I like the way you talk
I like the way you walk, I like the way you talk
Suzie Q

Oh, Suzie Q
Oh, Suzie Q
Oh, Suzie Q, Baby, I love you
Suzie Q

Phil and I are officially insane!!!

;)

ahh...
i don't know.
nevermind.

so much :( ness.

:(

but i'm happy again. :)
i went semi-minigolfing yesterday with a bunch of people.
today i continued reading my book about a gay guy that's on just about everything.
now he wants to be a father and meets up with his old woman lover...
pretty crazy book. haha.
today was my parents' wedding anniversary.
hehe, they're so cute.
we went to a strawberry festival in some little village.
it was cute too.
ah.. my twin sisters are so spoiled.
at least i think so. beasts... =P
i bought a few things at the various shops.
i haven't gone shopping in a lonnnng time...
maybe i'll go shopping with my mommie tomorrow. hehe.
i fell asleep on the car ride home.
*ZzzZzzZ*
mmmm.. they had strawberry smoothies there.
yummy, hehe.
i love strawberry-ness.
;)
i'm so content right now.
it's so nice outside too.
i could just lay there...
and think...
and then fall asleep again...
we're having rice for dinner.
rice makes me happy, haha.
i'm not sure why.
i have an eye exam tomorrow.
fun stuff.
i actually don't mind that or dentist appointments.
i AM the misandrist.
haha. YES.

i just want to run away from everything.

i want to be protected and sheltered, but i want to be free.

i want to be boundless, yet i want to be confined.

i hate everything. i love everything.

i hate cement, but i hate mud too.

i hate organization, but i hate disorder.

i hate being extreme, but i hate being neutral.

i hate being rushed, but i hate too much calm.

i want to sleep, but i want to be awake.

i want to experience, but i want to hide.

i want to live outside, yet i want my warm, comforting bed.

i want to choose, but there is no answer.

this is susan right now.......




this is susan most of the time.....



GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

kool-aid.


mine is blue.
i like the tropical punch kind the best, i think.
or strawberry.
my little sister made it this afternoon.

today was GIRLS' DAY OUT~!
good times in downer's grove. :)
i love my girls!
i made the coolest earrings ever.
i shall wear them everyday.
there's no reason to save things for special occasions
because then they become useless and forgotten.
like china dishes- WHY?!
hell, i'd use mine everyday.
i mean, they just sit there.
waste.
moral of the story is...
don't wait for tomorrow because today is special enough.
....
or something like that. =)

"speak not for i wont say a word"
dude, that totally turns me on.
it's so..shakespeare-like and HOT.
speaking of which...
i still would like to read the book i bought earlier.
a midsummer night's dream.
i'mmmmmmmmm excited.

why would a pedicure cost $40?
that's ridiculous.

i have a bouncy ball now.
richard got 20 of them for a prize.
haha, coolest thing ever.
and i have a woody the woodpecker tattoo on my hand.
now that's pimp.
::ghetto finger dance::

akif!!! i love you! haha
then we went to andrew's house.
i was pimpin it up on the couch w/ mike and him.
;) ;)
haha. closet action.
and mike will make the right decision, i'm sure. :)
everything works out in the end.

i had a good day today.
very...summer-ish.
:)

tomorrow- used book sale at nequa.
yeeeeehaw!
hmm.. what shall i do at night?
::thinks::

we shall see, we shall see.
call me about it later.

i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ok.

what an insane night....

i have NEVER been SO pissed off in my ENTIRE life.

record-breaking.

now i wasn't really mad at anything specifically....just EVERYTHING

all at once.

but i think i am ok now.

i think.

wait

......

yes. i suppose i am.

it's all ok now... for the time being at least.

*sigh*.

and i'm just so....confused...about....things....

i made cheesecake today.

it's really good.

god, what is wrong with me?
i just left allan/akif's party.
i just felt weird there...
it was a room full of people that i know, but i'm not really friends with.
and all my energy has been drained out of me...
i don't have the energy to talk to them.
i bet no one even noticed that i left.
whatever.
i just need to be alone right now.
and it wasn't the party! allan and akif rock!
it's just me...
i need to cry.
and i need a hug.
wait, what am i saying?
i need to get over myself.
and then there's... she's so inconsiderate sometimes.
there are only so many of her comments that i can take in one day.
my parents are worried about me now.
they think there was drinking or something.
i'm like, 'of course not.'

Say goodbye, lose your friends, make them go, don't need them around
Cause it's time, lose your friends, make them go, was never supposed to be like this
They were too weak, too prone to break
Their needs too deep, their skin too thin
By now you took what was to take
Tear it apart and start again
So go on, if this will make you happier
It got you this far, did what you had to
You've wasted every moment of your Saturdays and your Sundays
You're wasted from the boredom, was never supposed to be like this
Like your father said, just do what was done unto you..always
In your father's steps you'll do what was done unto you
It won't be hard to start again


i don't know. i'm so lost and alone right now.
i couldn't stand the fact that i was surrounded by people
and yet completely alone...
i'm sick of using my energy on people who could probably care less about me.
i'm sick of it.
enough.

all these things are running through my head...
what am i doing???????????

"And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough

All the things she said
All the things she said

Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind

Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough

IT'S SUMMER BABY!!!!!!!!!
woo hoo!
i haven't written in awhile because i started a real journal.
but so far, this summer has rocked! :)
tomorrow morning is the wedding and i'm excited!
even if it means i have to get up really early...
but when that's over i want to go for a walk at the arboretum! any takers?
and then i'm going to allan's at night.
sunday.. i have church in the morning, and maybe a picnic in the afternoon?
then after that i'll probably start the clean-susan's-house-out marathon!! yeeeeehaw!
and when that's done you all have to come over!
might be a week or so though... i have so much stuff to get rid of...
and i'll probably have a garage sale on saturday to sell my old stuff
or make a visit to goodwill....
we still need to have a cooking day and a make t-shirts day! haha, yes!
and buy season passes for 6 flags!
better get a move on!
i'm excited! it's summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
y'all better call me this week and join in on the fun!
besides, then i'll get over my phone-aphobia! :) hehehe

yay for having only one more week of real school left!!!!! :)
awwww... i'm going to miss all my classes and the people in them! :(
we bonded YO!
especially.... math, gym, french, lunch and bio!!!!
awwwww.....*sniffle sniffle*
and all my lil freshmen won't be lil freshmen anymore!!!! they'll be sophmores!!
AH!!!!! now that's a SCARY thought!
and my little sister KATIE will be a FRESHMAN next year!!!
::freaks out!!!!::
that's not allowed!!!!!
ahhhhhh!!!!!
and we'll be juniors!!!! that's so.......OLD!
but still young.....
wow... never pictured myself this old....
driving...college....GPA's.....jobs......friends......relationships.......independence......
oh mama.......
it seems like just yesterday i thought that the big scary 5th graders would eat me if i went to the school store!
and then i turned into a 5th grader....and worked at the school store (with PJ! lol) and realized that they're
not so scary after all...
weird how life is....
i was reading my journal a while ago...
back in the day before i started high school...
i wrote down all these questions about things i was worried about or thinking about...
and now i'm slowly being able to answer them..
what seemed like such a big deal then is now everyday life for me.
lesson of the day:
LIVE your life with NO regrets...
seize every opportunity presented to you...
there is no such thing as failure...
it's what you choose to do with your situation.