what an absolutely lovely weekend i have had so far.

caesar is the coolest kid ever!!!

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

my aunt used to sing that song to me when i was little and would sleep over at my gramma's house.

i've been thinking lately about how once something is over, it can never be the same. the event might be the same but it will always be different because we are always changing.

i had a great weekend. i really did.
i saw a wide spectrum of people and it was good.

i'm ready to face the world again.

i have plans for this next semester and they are really cute. i'm going to go out of my way to do nice things. and it will be incognito. no one will know it was me. so shhhh.. don't tell.

i'm using this as a new beginning.

refresh. renew. RECYCLE.

all that i am
all that i was
all i have done
and all that has been done to me
has brought me to this very
sacred
moment
in time.

When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.


i'll be strong because i love you.

i've been going through this internal emotional rollercoaster all day.

i either want to scream or weep or laugh until i can't do it any longer. i feel regret, remorse, hope, desire, loneliness, calm, and exhaustion in combinations. and no, it's not hormones.. it's just that i'm so conflicted. i don't know what i had, what i have, or what i want.

i'm one scattered mess and i've forgotten how to clean up. i keep sweeping and sweeping but the windows keep shattering at my feet.

there is no 10-second tidy.

look mom i can fly
high up in thesky
pirate attakck
ooooh
ahoy matey!
{minue s the !{
susan how could yoU/
break m yheatr
that's grighth my heathf
stop emoking me
oh gargbyve
teehee
we siwlill snever stope
the soudns of slience
jimminy crickets
wahlels and dopwlhphins
i nowthk that you knowhs
that wous just dujbmb
ic oullddo thisal day
i'm so alone
i heart my sitster
yes
it si
spirdker
my handsa nd re cut
peow
tht'a trigh te
i'm sha suon uof a gun
i am rcok
i am na isssssslnand
wallds
where's walkdo?

people are dumb.
in general.
i'm sure they're all intelligent people inside.
but they're all dumb.
at one point or another.
why not?

after my presentation today, i started to look for the good in people.

i want everyone to know how much i truly appreciate them.

thanks so much for everything. i won't forget the good things for a long time.

thanks for being strong enough to care.

i wish there were some way to repay you.

you are stellar.

"just go with it- don't think."

irish jig music is so happy.

speaking of music.. i've been dancing around wildly everytime i hear a good jumping song. it's quite funny actually. i think it's helping me relieve stress. you should see it. haha.

it's never what you do. it's who you know.

:(

i've been thinking about who i am to other people. what role do i play in their life?

i've been talking to lots of new people and it makes me happy.

katie gave this really nice letter today during math. it made my day. :)

the thing about having everyone i eat lunch with gone, :( was that different ones came and sat with me. it was lots of fun, but i still love my drama people.

i've stopped freaking out about school for the time being. it's really not worth it. i'm doing what i can and sleeping when i'm tired.

speaking of sleep, i've been a major insomniac this whole week. all these things keep racing through my mind and they won't stop. AHHHH. one night, all i could think about was having a used school supplies exchange. who does that!? though it was a cool idea..

i'm so intimidated by enalc. i don't really know why though because i realize that most people have no idea what they're talking about anyway but still. i'm so afraid to talk. it's really sad actually. because most of the time i never shut up. well, that's not true either. most of the time i actually talk instead of being a mute. gahhh, i don't know what to do. i'm such a dork. and i'm just pretending to be smart.

mmm my abs are starting to hurt from today. lauren and i are beasts.

hahahahahaha! one of the BEST things of the day....

3/40 on my bowling scoring quiz in gym class! yeahhhhh baby. that's right. a 3! it felt really good to completely fail something.

after going to the library for our project, mike dunford and i hung out at barnes and noble. little kid books are the greatest. we had a dance party in his car. haha. polyphonic spree is making me happy right now.

what should i wear tomorrow? i'm not sure what kind of a day it will be yet...

i love you all!!

i can't handle this anymore. i just crumbled to the ground. i want to cry, but the tears won't come.

i try so hard.

i try so fking hard.

now i know it wasn't for me.

it never was, was it?

i said baby let me just save you the time
i can see where this is going,
tears will fall and hearts will break,
love's a game we all must play,
so dry your eyes and be on your way...
...as for me, i'll be okay

now i feel accomplished.

i've spent the last two hours contacting different volunteer organizations for SAAV {Students Actively Advocating Volunteering}.

it feels good.

i also planned out what we're going to be doing on monday's meeting. ::cough IN ROOM 107 cough::

we're writing "love letters" to children who are terminally ill just to brighten up their day. i've done it before and it makes you feel really good.

we'll also be collecting postage stamps so that the letters can be mailed and possibly have a change drive during lunch like we did for the light the night walk.

annd i would like to donate some "birthday boxes" to the humanitarian service project so we'll need items such as shoe boxes, cake mix, frosting, bubbles, plates, napkins, trinkets, kool-aid mixes, candles, etc. fun stuff like that!

so everyone come check out SAAV on mondays after school in room 107! ;)
or even donate something little to our projects.

we're planning on volunteering at animal-related places in january, throwing a valentine's day party in february for physically disabled residents at katherine manor and many more things like that! (i can't give everything away..hehe)

life is good.

:)

"You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you."
-- Ruth Smeltzer

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?' Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

i was just thinking. have you ever read a poem about math or money or business or wide-screen TVs or your latest manicure?

i never have.

my theory is that deep down we all realize that material possessions never can or will bring us the happiness that we spend our lives searching for.

happiness is found in giving, creating, laughing, crying, community, discovery.

we know it. we KNOW.

yet we continue this vicious cycle of consumerism and deny the fact that what we do everyday affects the rest of the world.

oh bloody hell.
i don't like all of this people talking about me when i'm not there...no matter what it's about.
all of this butting into my personal life.
it makes me feel uncomfortable.
i really would rather not talk about myself if at all possible.

maybe i was surrounding myself with people who were wrong for me. i can't continue to try and please everybody. it only ends up making me sad.

it's time for something new.

i'm tired of running in these circles.

i want more.