everything is so overwhelming to me right now. it was yesterday especially...
there are so many things going on in the world...
"the only way the world would end tomorrow is if we blew it up."

lol, here's the quote of the day...
"and yes, i realize that i probably sound like a freakin idiot who thinks WAY too much, and hell, i AM a freakin idiot who thinks WAY too much."

hehehe, wow this has been a crazy (short!) week. today was opening night for "kiss me kate!" :) it went pretty well!

*circle circle, dot dot, now you got a cootie shot.*
some people are so much like their parents it makes me cry. there's this one guy and whenever i talk to him it's like talking to his mother. i can see how much influence she has over him..it makes me cry. i'd probably be able to pick her off the street if i ever saw her- that's how alike they are.

when i was little, i would always go to the park by my house to play. zoe and i were best friends and my little sister and her little sister were too. we would always love playing on the tire swing. we'd play this game where one person would lay in the middle and the rest of us would stand around the swing. we'd say "I don't want her-YOU take her!" ::push:: "well, I don't want her-YOU take her!" and so on...i'd get scared that my head was gonna hit the bar above it, but luckily it never did. (YEAH short people! hehe)
i went on a retreat for my church this weekend. it turned out to not be as bad as i thought it would be. i'm still skeptical about the whole confirmation thing, but i've decided to at least give it a chance before i make up my mind. i'm listening to an acapella version of amazing grace and it's really pretty. i need to do that. i love singing. i did a lil trio with me, katie, and rachel once.. it was really cool. i'm going to bed now. *ZzzZzzzZZzzZ*

isn't it weird to think about time? what IS time? is it just the monotonous tick-tock of a clock? tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock... i just realized that i never actually hear the tick-tocking of the clock until i sit still...and just think. most of the time i'm too busy to just stop and listen. it's usually a matter of being on time for things... getting places... i wonder how much time i have left here... it's weird to think that with every tick and every tock i'm getting one step closer to the end.. i suppose that can be a really depressing thing to think about, but on the other hand, it can be very motivating at the same time. it depends on your outlook about life i guess, is the glass half empty or half full?

and nothing matters. think about it... you live, then you die. nothing you do really matters. ok, maybe it changes a few peoples' lives, but they die too. so really, nothing matters. there is no point in anything. there's no point in trying. there's no point in trying to get rich. there's no point in helping anyone else. there's no point in trying to be the best.
i've acknowledged this fact, and i refuse to dwell on it. i've moved on. does it really matter that you have a high paying job? does it really matter that your house is bigger than your neighbors? does it really matter that your shoes coordinate with your purse? does it really matter that your hair is perfect b/c you spent 2 hours straightening it? does it really matter that you're on a varsity sport? does it really matter that you failed a math test? does it really matter?
sorry, it doesn't. it really doesn't.
you just have to stop caring so much. do things because you have a desire to do them. don't do them b/c other people want you to do them. if you have no passion for what you do, you'll never get anywhere. well..no. i take that back. you'll get somewhere alright, but you'll never get to the place you want to be. dream big. b/c you can do anything. the only thing stopping you is yourself. don't care about what other people think... you can't please everybody...i learned that the hard way a long time ago... so today.. just stop for a minute. listen to the tick-tock of a clock. look up at the sky.. can you see the clouds moving? try to see the bigger picture. and do something that you WANT to do. everything else can be put on hold for a few minutes b/c it doesn't matter...

i haven't written for awhile...suppose i haven't really been in the mood to write down the things that have been happening to me lately. right now, my week is just one big blur. i've barely gotten any sleep this entire week... i have so much homework. it seems so futile sometimes. but i don't want to go into that right now- it's the weekend. i want to talk about drugs. i don't understand, and don't try to make me understand- because i never want to understand. i never want to be at that point. i don't care how you put it, what your reasons are for doing it, or denying that you'll let it get to the point where you get hurt...no. just no. even you get high just once...it'll effect you mentally. b/c now you've found a way to escape reality, right? wrong. you're just denying it...putting things on hold. and you know what? when you keep pushing your problems to the side, they're gonna build up realllllll fast. i think it's the most selfish thing that you can do. i mean, here we are, with every opportunity to do something great, and you waste it. you just toss it out the window without a second thought. poof- gone. and once you toss it out that window, sure, you can get it back..but it takes a lot more effort to do so. you have to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together again. i hope that for your sake they fit back together..but there's bound to be a few pieces that are lost- carried away by the wind...irreplaceable..
and what about the money involved with it too? i hope the next time you smoke you think about the little starving boy that could be eating a nice steak for the price of your joint. i know, i know, why should you care? he doesn't affect you in any way, right? well, you're lucky, and he's not. can he help it? nope. geez, you think you have problems? oh get over it. the world doesn't revolve around you. i'll show you people that really have problems.
i have no respect for people when they're high. none whatsoever. because that's not who they truly are. it's all fake. one big lie.
there's so much more to life than that. there really is. sometimes you just have to look a little deeper. you have to take that extra effort to put things into perspective. but it's worth it. in the end, it's all worth it.
that's my opinion. i know you have yours. but that is mine and i'm sticking to it. i have an open mind in practically all other cases, but not this one. i'm not gonna tell you not to smoke, because you don't have to listen to me. and ultimitely, it's your choice. i just wish i could make you see... how much you miss out on... how much people really do care about you... and how important it is that you really care about yourself...

whoa, it's sunday night already. where did my weekend go? it was fun, all in all.
i went over to phil's today. we played monopoly with gary. haha, i won!! that's the first time i actually won monopoly- i usually have issues with it. lol, i got all the free parking money, it was a beastly amount. i felt bad having all the money, so i gave them $300 everytime someone rolled doubles. lol, and of course phil ended up rolling doubles like EVERY SINGLE time! hehe. good times.
i saw garvey at church day. lol, "bongo boy." but he didn't get to poke me. haha.
i downloaded lots of disney songs...aww...they're so cute! :) i always wanted to be ariel and jasmine and belle~! hehehe. it's been my entertainment today.
"a whole new world, (don't you dare close your eyes) a hundred thousand things to see..(hold your breath it gets better).. i'm like a shooting star, i've come so far, i can't go back to where i used to be..."
oh yeah, and on friday i went to brian's. lol, sex weekend. :-P haha. i'm getting a lil better at pool, haha..a lil.... hehe.
ah...my bird is driving me crazy! he keeps flying onto my fingers while i'm typing! haha, crazy bird. asdjfa;...haha, ah.. oh well.
hmm... i wonder if i have homework left...i don't wanna do it... ugh.
oh man, i'm freezing yo.

i'm getting kind of pissed off...all of these things that are now coming out.. things everyone knew except for me. but whatever, it doesn't matter anymore. so i don't care.
tonight was INSANE! since everyone else seemed to be busy, it was just me and lauren. she came and picked me up and we went to walgreen's. we brought lots of lipgloss and eyeliner. i knew the guy that was working there, but some man in front of us was having problems so we went to the photo part to check out. lol, the guy was teasing us for buying that stuff. lol, he was a "NICE boy." lol. so we go out to lauren's car and we're sitting there and we decide that we have no where else to go so we sit there and put make up on in the dark car. haha, we looked like total whores!! hahahaha! it was soooooo funny! my lips were SO shiny it was sick! and my EYES! dear god...lol. wow. i wrote "whore~mobile" on the window. that was definitely insane. then we drive to gary's house and we were like, "yeah, he's prolly not home" but we go ring his doorbell anyway (whore makeup and all, haha) his mom answered the door and told us he had gone to keNAN's house. lol, it was so cute, so put the accent on the NAN part of kenan's name, lol. but we don't want to go to kenan's house so we start trying to go to the fat bean. the bad thing is that we have no idea where it is...we only know that it's off route 59 and 87th or something like that. so we're driving...and driving....and driving....and driving...AND driving...(for about an hour!) and somehow we end up at 111th! ahhhhh...we were in bolingbrook! oh MAMA! we finally give up and go back downtown and past my house but we still have time so we go down odgen. and then we find route 59! and 87th! and THE FAT BEAN!!! ahhhhhhhh!!!!! by that time it was like 10 so we didn't actually go inside but some band was playing. we end up going home from there b/c we're both really tired. but on the way to my house we drive by the riverwalk and i'm like, hey let's go see if the ice skating rinks are up! so we go over there and it's completely deserted and pretty dark..they had turned out the lights i guess. haha, you can pass an ice skating rink without going on it, right??! so we jump out of the car and go shoe-skating! hehehe, it was awesome and cold. and awesomely cold. we were looking at the stars for a while..they're so cool...but then it got TOO cold and we left. ahh...she couldn't find her keys and that would NOT have been good...but she found them and all was well. next saturday we're gonna have so much fun and be gone the entire day!! i'm so excited! :) lol, it's our "let's-make-up-for-valentine's-day-sucking-so-much-day!" MOOhaha. : ) lemme know if you wanna cum! i mean...come! :-P haha.

i got up really early today- at 9!! ah.....that's so unusual, lol. ew...i have to babysit from 12-7ish today...ah!!!!!!! what was i thinking?!? that's wayyyyy too long! oh mama... i guess i need the money..but still, that's like, my entire day! grr... so we definitely need to do something tonight when i get home!!!!!! or else i might go nutty again and take all those online quizzes!!!!!! let's not let that happen again! hahaha. WTMF. i need to make 2 lists of things i want and need to do:
NEED TO DO:
finish reading joy luck club and take notes
do stuff for the lit circle things
get petitions signed
collect stuff for humanitarian service project
practice viola
french homework
babysit
wash pants (you can leave your pants HERE!)
WANT TO DO:
write a poem for the literary magazine

ah..i have to leave now. somebody call me later.

Closing Time

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

man, i love that song. it has so much symbolism...especially the lines that are in bold... *sigh*
this has been a REALLY long week... i really thought it would never end...
life is crazy. people are crazy. i am crazy. this whole world is crazy.
isn't it weird to think about love? i mean, what is love anyway? and to think that all of you have somebody out there that's looking for YOU? and what would life be like without love? would that even be living?? and how do you know when you've found "the one?" is there even a "one?" urgh.. je ne sais pas... whatever. i can't think about all that right now....

well, in honor of this coming weekend, aka..the SEX WEEKEND... here are some song lyrics from the song "a little less conversation" by elvis! hahaha..here it goes..
Come on baby I'm tired of talking
Grab your coat and let's start walking
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Come on, come on
Don't procrastinate, don't articulate
Girl it's getting late, gettin' upset waitin' around

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me
Satisfy me baby

LoL, talk about risque! hahaha! TMF~! lol, gary says he was such a pimp! true dat! *faint*

: ) i made a word search puzzle for lunch tomorrow! dude! it's so cool~!!!! i'm so excited~! haha, my mom rocks!

wow, so much excitement- can you handle it??! i'm also excited about reading the joy luck club. haha we should make a lucky joy club! :) i think it's gonna be really awesome... i love symbolism. we read a poem called "lost sister" today and it was amazing. so many double meanings to find.. i love it. nida and i took the whole period just getting through the poem and making notes about it-haha, screw the questions. :-P it was sweeeeeeeet. lol, ghetto.

ahhhhh...i'm so bad. i have a powerpoint on cloning due tomorrow... it's it's no where near being done. i'm gonna have to do it all during lunch tomorrow! haha...oh MAMA! i dunno, i'm not too worried about it.. i work best under pressure- and lots of it! wish me luck! :)

i'm also pumped about the literary magazine! it's gonna awesome! you all should submit something for it! it can be a poem, a photograph you took, a picture you drew, a short story, or even a one-act play! how cool is that??? you submit your stuff in the displays we made which are in the literacy center and the student activities office. it doesn't hurt to try! besides, i know all of you are good writers and it would be awesome to publish something you wrote!! yeah, you know it would be- don't deny it! so submit something~! (i'll give you a quarta! haha)

i love plants. i really do. and flowers. i'm going to buy tons of flowers for valentine's day and give them to everyone! :) doesn't getting flowers make you feel special?? it shows that someone was thinking about you, ya know?? and everybody loves that- so i'll spread the love~! :) <3 hehe <3
@--->----- (lol, that's a rose) -----<----@

haha, french class rocks. like, it would be sooo boring and pain-staking if we didn't have fun with it. everytime we had to repeat something i would say it in different voices. haha, my source of entertainment.

oh yes, and i'm making lots of lists! i need some help though! from YOU! ....... yes YOU! i need good books i should read, good movies i should see, good places i should go to, people i should know, and good songs i should listen to! so i need your suggestions!! that's a lot of stuff and i want to do it all! lemme know your suggestions, yo! hehe! everything goes!

i'll end this on a french note...
tout est possible!
everything is possible!
:)

"Not a Pretty Girl"~ Ani DeFranco
i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

"Pretty Girl (The Way)"

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love..

wow, downloading music is so cool!!! haha, i love it~! "i feel good, i knew that i would, i feeeeel good, i knew that i would....so good..so good, cuz i got you...so good, so good, cuz i got you~!" hehehe, this rocks!
and i'm excited about reading "the joy luck club" for enr written! haha, call me crazy- but i am! i haven't read a good book in...well, in too long! i love reading, it makes you so much smarter! haha, i'm living proof of that! ever since i stopped reading just to read, i think i've gotten dumber! (haha, i'm even using words like dumber! ah...) hehe. it's true! so here's my advice of the day...
GO TO THE LIBRARY AND GET A BOOK THAT YOU WANT TO READ AND READ IT!!!!!!!!!
oh yeah. do it. now. stop reading this, and go read something intelligent. haha...

well, i'm feeling a lil better today. it was a pretty good day i guess. it's mostly all a blur... i woke up at 5:30 this morning to take my shower. my alarm clock was playing that monday song.. "it's just another manic monday.." ironic, huh?
so i take my shower and i'm out by like 5:45. i decide that i'm extremely cold, tired, and sleepy, so i crawl back into bed under my covers. i end up falling asleep with my wet hair still up in a towel and i eventually wake up at 7. i'm like, holy mamas, it's already 7! luckily, my hair had dried a lil..looked pretty funny though.. yep, that was my exciting morning. tons o' fun, right? right...
haha, french class today rocked! we had to make up and memorize skits w/ a partner and i was with heather. we kinda messed up and i'm like, "say, 'oui!'" and she's like, "what??? SAY OUI?" haha, but she said it really loud. it was so funny. and i had to be a mean customer and wow, that was really funny too. me..trying to be mean..in french... haha, GOOD times.. i did pretty well though.. haha, must have a mean streak in there somewhere.. *scratches head* everyone liked it and laughed... here's how it went...
Heather- bonjour, madamoiselle. ca va? Hello miss, how are you?
SuZ- ca va TRES mal. i'm really mad.
Heather- ah, je regrette, pourquoi? oh, i'm sorry. why?
SuZ- donne-moi de l'eau minerale maitennant! give me some mineral water now!
Heather- Oui, madamoiselle. Yes, miss.
Suz- looks at watch impatiently... heather comes back..
Heather- voici ton eau. Here is your water.
Suz- merrrrrrrrrci (sarcastically) thanks...
Heather- Et comme nourriture? And to eat?
Suz- insanely lonnnng list of foods...
Heather- d'accord. Ok.
Suz- est-ce que je peux parler avec ton patron? Can i talk with your manager?
Heather- ?? "say oui??!" lol
Suz- je ne vais pas payer! parce que je ne suis pas contente avec ton service! i'm not going to pay! because i'm not happy with your service.
*storms out*
hehe
Fini! the end!

well, last night i wrote a really long blog thing but it disappeared... i'm sad. i've been pretty depressed lately.. i had really bad dreams last night too. it was past one in the morning and i was still online talking to people cuz i was really upset and i was still upset when i went to bed, but i had to go to sleep because i have so much to do today. :( so yeah, i had some bad dreams. wanna hear about them? ok, good.
bad dream #1 (that i can remember)
ok, so i'm in this really poor place...prolly a ghetto... :-/ and i was sitting outside of a grocery store with some people. i can remember seeing shopping carts go by. all of the people that were walking into the store were REALLY mean looking.. women had knives and all the burly men had big guns.. there was one guy in particular who seemed extra mean and i remember that i wouldn't make eye contact w/ him b/c i had the feeling he would shoot me if he did. so there i am, just sitting on the cement outside the place and we get up to leave..and lauren must have been there too... and this middle-aged woman w/ raggedy clothes and wrinkles and who is dragging a lil boy and a girl around with her are going in. i had already started to leave..when this woman whips out this dagger thing and she cuts lauren's face. and first i didn't think she'd really do it, so i keep walking a lil bit, but when she really did, i freaked out..it was pretty gross... i'll spare you the details.. and then she did something to lauren's back..but i don't remember it exactly...
and then i had ANOTHER um...great..dream after that. i was running...i was with some other people to begin with, but then they disappeared...running just for the sake of running... and i came to this massive intersection. i mean, it was about 8 lanes wide. so i push in the button to get a walk sign..and i'm waiting there for a while..seeing the cars go by... and it finally says walk so i sprint across the intersection b/c the walk sign was really short. i was planning on crossing the street again in the other direction so i push it again. i get about halfway across that other street that led toward a big grassy prairie but then i decide to go back. so i quickly run back to the other side. so i'm kind of standing around there.. by the street, and i notice this machine thing. it supposed gives you fillings for your teeth. (i just got my first cavity and had it filled last week) so..i decided, hey- why not? so i ended up using that machine and whitney comes along. i say, "so how do my teeth look?" and she's like, "well..um..they're kind of missing some." so i freak out and i feel my teeth. two of them are like halfway gone and they're starting to hurt. when i woke up..i was so scared that they wouldn't be there... that's all i can remember.. yeah, i should definitely never go to bed as upset as i was that night...