Saturday, May 31, 2003

i'm back. not really, but i am for now.
i slept/read this whole day away...
and i'm still exhausted...
it's been tough at school lately...
only 5 real school days are left
it doesn't seem real yet.
this semester went by sooooooo slow and yet soooooooooo fast at the same time.
i'm stuck in the middle of everything... no clear start or end to anything...
and the strange weather yesterday.. that's exactly how i'm feeling lately...

caught between the storms and the sun.

i'm so full of mixed emotions and i don't know what to do.
everything is ending...
but new things are just starting...
i don't know whether to be happy or sad or.... or something else.

we're halfway done w/ school guys...
and it freaks me out.

and everyone dies.
it's so bizarre to look around you and know that it will all be gone someday.
things that are real to me now will pass
and other people/things will take their place.
i took the place of other people too.
it's all a cycle... and we witness barely a fraction of it...
i want more.
but more of what? that, i don't know.

i stayed after school on friday for a while in "susan's corner" and i wrote.
it was so quiet and still....
everything that had been awake and full of energy only a few minutes before
now slept... waiting...
especially the lockers.
they held hidden secrets, so important now..
but are lost with the changing of life.
and next year, it will be different.
new secrets to keep, new faces...new opportunities....

with the ringing of bell, everything is gone.

Friday, May 16, 2003

oh man.
i have decided that i will not go out until summer.
i need to keep my grades up...
and i'm not an obbsessive freak like some people...
i just want it now so i have more opportunities later, you know?
my future happiness isn't worth a few nights out.
so yeah. and i won't be going online as much
except for school-related talking.
i have a list of 20 things i have to start doing.
it's all rather depressing, but i have made up my mind.
NO MORE FUN.
..... =(
poor suzies...

i'm making another blog.
b/c i have schitzo-like qualities
and i need change.
even though i won't be going online as often... i need sommmmething to procrastinate with...

Thursday, May 15, 2003

my homework is basically done.
wow.
it's barely past 7 AND i went to amnesty.
yay for me.
:)
maybe i'll take a bubble bath.
i deserve it...
hm....
i will.
and after that, i'm goin to bed!
peace out yo.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

man, i'm such a sap.
a hopeless romantic.
a hopeless romantic that hates men.
what sense does that make?
yeah, i know. none.
ahhh.. what am i going to do with myself?!
i'm sleepy now..
too much wistfulness for me...
still haven't started my gov paper yet..
ahh...
i was the speaker of the house during class.
it was pretty cool.
i'm really cold.
tomorrow is monday!?!?
again!?!?!
::freaks out::
ahhhhhhhh
grr.. now i'm in a bad mood.

>=(

and the palm of my hand itches.
what's goin on with that??

i need a hug.

who likes the new background?
i like it.
it reminds me of my finger paintings... hehe
nothing specifically...just color...interpretation
that's the only way to go.

should i make a comments thing?
if i do, people better write in it. =P
we'll see....
it has been starting to feel more and more like summer.. on the weekends at least.
i love not having things that i "have" to do.
i read a book yesterday.
it was exciting.
i never have time to read anymore.
i read "found, lost, found."
i bought it for 10 cents at the library one day.
it was cute.
i guess it was a love story, but it wasn't all sappy style.
"english humour."
good stuff.
man, i still have to write my government paper.
:(
it won't be hard, but i'm so lazy right now..
i don't stay up late anymore.
yay for me.
i'm happier now too.
i want to make a new blog.
or another one.
i don't really know why.
and i don't know what the other one would be about.
i need some change.
i should make a new poll
and a new background
that is actually readable... lol
i'll do that now i guess.
yeeehaw...

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

hahahahaha
these are random bits of conversation from me and mark that he put on his website
hahahahahahaha......
by the way, this was the beginning of my corruption.... ;)


-SuZ: oooh....FUNston

-SuZ: short peopLe rock!

-SuZ: i choked on strawberry miLk a few weeks ago!

-SuZ: packages, diLdos, and choking the chicken, i've learned SO many new wordS!

-SuZ: i live such a pathetic liFe

-SuZ: just b/c you buy me a driNk doesn't mean ur gonna get some! it just ups the possibiLity

-SuZ: i missed you MASSIVELY!

-SuZ: i <3 ur winky marK

-SuZ: no...more...winkies.

-SuZ: eeeeeww....remember when y'all dared me to hit on megg???!

-SuZ: whoa..these guys just ran across my yard....
Mark: and you went out to give yourself to them?
SuZ: LoL..ass

-SuZ: remember marK, i loooove UR winkY!

-SuZ: my famiLy had to get a picture taken for our church which is why i'm stiLL homE but my lil sister katie (she's 13) is taLLer than mE (dammit!) and so the photographer guy gave me a stooL to stand on so i wouLd be taLLer in the picturE! haha, i was liKE "i LUV YOU!!!"

-SuZ: Dude! we ass-raped those kids at the go kart place!
Mark: you and your strap-on's
SuZ: you know it
SuZ: strap ons??

-Mark: ok, i'm watching this commercial, now suz, if a guy was wearing a nice cologne, would you have sex with him in an elevator?
SuZ: haha, definitely!

-Mark: you still haven't gotten use to my winky yet!!!
SuZ: lol, not sure if i ever will!

-Mark: O:-)!!!
SuZ: haha, angel my ass
Mark: angel.....is that some kinda street slang for spank?

-Mark: i could really use a hug
Mark: or a hummer, and when i say hummer, i don't mean the car
Mark: ;-)
SuZ: ewwwwwwww
SuZ: i don't get it
SuZ: what does hummer mean???????
Mark: it's nearly nothing
Mark: it's just another word used to describe a BJ
SuZ: a BJ???
SuZ: oooooooooooo
SuZ: a BJ

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

i just got home from the orchestra concert tonight. it was my last one... =( aww... that's sad. it's been a part of me for so long... i think that despite everything i'll miss it. and ms antonio is coming back next year! too bad i didn't know that a few months ago when we signed up for courses. well actually, that probably wouldn't have influenced my stopping anyway b/c i want to take some different electives.. stupid french. i suppose in a way i'm not completely done w/ orchestra... maybe i'll give private lessons when i'm old and gray. or be in an orchestra outside of school.. we shall see.
hm... i should probably stop doing this and do some homeworkia...
(ahh.... WHO says HOMEWORKIA??!)
(and who randomly wears a hawaiian lai to school??)

oh yeah. that's right. I DO.

; )

i'm listening to...........
"pretty woman" - roy orbeson

Monday, May 05, 2003

whoa. i just had a DUH moment... so-cal is southern california... whoa.... haha... ::smacks forehead::

i having eaten anything but crackers since last night and i'm starting to get hungry. but not really. to eat or not to eat? THAT is the question.

blahh.... being sick reallllly sucks. :( poor me. i decided to go to school for written so we could do our lil group thing. it made me feel a lil better i guess.

i want to wear a skirt tomorrow. i have decided tomorrow will be a good day.

i have an orchestra concert tomorrow. yeehaw... it's our last one though. omg, it's my last one ever. aww.... :'( that's kind of sad... kristen and i have a lil solo thing in the beginning of one song so that's pretty cool. despite everything, i think i'm going to miss not being in orchestra, ya know? like... it's a really cool thing to be a part of... sigh.. but i have lots of other interests and i'm probably not going to go into music. next year i'm taking psych and that should be pretty cool and i'm also doing intro to graphics. fun fun. i don't know what i want to major in. something... something.. with people and creativity and change and making a difference or maybe even horticulture and design and graphics and music and speaking.. i don't know. there's so much. i need to pick one thing to excel at i guess. but i hate doing that. i'd rather do lots of things. :(
i've actually been in better moods lately. not completely, but more so than i was. yay for that :)

Sunday, May 04, 2003

i guess i've had a pretty good weekend.
last night was pretty fun. too bad i'm so damn tired all the time. =/
we did so much last night. it's all a blur..
wrote quotes on the riverwalk with chalk, fed the ducks, went to the hill, met up w/ MP-dawg (haha), went to walgreens, went to gap (sweatshops! >:( haha), went to book zeller- "i can go potty", went to barnes and noble.."book club" got interrupted...yah. there's prolly more but i can't remember... soo tired...

haha, my hair is all kinky. it looks pretty cool i guess.

SIGN MY GUESTBOOK. beasts... how can you resist it's sexyness????

Friday, May 02, 2003

what a weird day. i seriously don't know if i can make it to the end of this year. gah.
after school, lauren and i sat on the lil hill at school between the parking lots and we were in really bad moods. but i couldn't be in a COMPLETELY bad mood because it was so nice and sunny outside. so i started a list. and we both added to it one by one. wanna hear it? i'm sure you do.

::drum roll please::.......

*THE GOOD*

*glass snapple bottles
*trees
*wind
*hippies
*stop signs
*susan
*laurenalicious
*carol
*green
*moms
*mossy trees
*pillows (PELLOWS)
*phil's house
*lil brothers

THE BAD:

-written
-relationships that DON'T EXIST
-itchiness
-freezing up when someone gets hurt
-stop signs
-lauren
-hitzalundo
-silver
-MEN.
-not wanting to exist
-shit
-secrets
-stalkers and ears of corn
-coughing

=THE UGLY=

@cement
@civilization
@banana slug sex
@styrofoam
@FEET.
@boredom
@being mean to yourself
@mustard yellow
@MEN. (most, haha)
@sleep deprived lauren
@slimy tongues
@squeaky doors
@STINKY meaaat.

could you ask for a better list? it made us feel a lil better at least.

my advice for always....

~*WHEN IN DOUBT- MAKE A LIST!*~

Thursday, May 01, 2003

oh my god.
what have i done?
i want to apologize to everyone, but i can't right now. b/c i'm not ok with myself.
what have i done?
i've been pushing everyone away from me lately.
just... push push...
distancing myself from everything and everyone.
and i'm not happy.
i'm just not.
it's not because of anything specific, just all these things put together.
i just read my email for the first time in about a week
and i got so many emails from people asking how i was.
i feel so horrible.
i mean, these people genuinely care about me and i've just been pushing them away.
i love you guys, i really do.
please don't think i love you any less.
i'm yours always.
wow. i haven't really said anything even remotely intelligent in the blog for a long time. guess i really am going crazy. oh well. yep, still don't have any intelligent thoughts. i want SUMMER!!! these will be the longest 28 days of my life.... gahhh.. i have so much work to do. man. school is killing me slowly- i NEED more sleep. there are SO many things i want to be doing right now, but noooo, i'm rereading parts of TANCH for that test tomorrow. yeeee~HAW. geez, some people haven't even finished reading it yet-- slackers. haha, i totally read it over spring break in like 2 days b/c i was so damn sick for all of it. what a waste. i guess it's good that i read it, but i don't remember many of the details of it. yuck. and lately, i've been in a funk. at least that's what my mom calls it. i don't know... i've lost a lot of my happiness. :( well, perhaps it isn't fully lost.. just hidden. and i can't find it. it's there somewhere.. but i can't find it. *sigh*... clam in the sky... i know you all think i'm crazy but i really had a vision for that. it's going to be hard to top. man.. i was so excited too........... :(
Thought for the day:
Where does love go when it can't find a home?
is it sitting on the street corner holding a cup or a sign,
hoping and clinging to whatever the next stranger is willing to spare?
Is it unkempt, needs to shave?
Where does it go on the especially cold days? Is there a community shelter?
Does it just sit, with it's sign, hoping for kindness to drive by and wave,
or will it simply avoid eye contact.
Does it wait for something?
(Maybe the bus?)
Is it remembering memories it would rather not remember?
Will it enjoy the nice day like the people walking by,
the people
trying not to look but staring,
the people that feel pity, feel helpless,
but not...
Help full,
a smile, a look not full of pity,
All full of awareness but not so much concerned.
Is this where love is when it has no home?
Is this where love sits while you drive to school?
To work?
Off to make the world a better place?
Day after day, alone. By choice? By circumstance?
Maybe by a slight chemical imbalance?
Is this where love is?
Walking down the street with a rake, hoping to survive the day? Is this where love waits?
Alone. Forgotten?
Enduring the heat, the cold, the not knowing?
While you lie in your bed that's as big as you'd hoped, is love sleeping under
a bridge, cold and damp?
While your doing your laundry, complaining about grass stains,
is love barely clothed?
While your all dressed up in a big white dress,
is love there?
Watching from across the street?
While your children are at school,
playing outside, is love sitting on the corner with a mispelled sign?
In ten years when you feel alone, and your wondering what went wrong?
Is love there? Does it have a cold?
Will you be driving by one day, will something
feel off? Where is that stranger?
The one who's on the corner,
the one who slept under the bridge,
barely clothed,
unkempt and needs to shave,
will you keep driving?
because though you feel some part of you has flown away-
there is no headstone,
no real tears,
no notice of eviction,
no goodbye,
but maybe a flicker,
or a light bulb, a heavy knowing?
here lies love?