you know what excites and scares me at the same time?

every day is like buying a one-way ticket to a place you will never return to.

where did i go today?
and where will i go tomorrow?

"hey, it's *me.*"
sigh.

today is a musical day.

yippee.

susan elizabeth sophia.

wish me luck.

i hope i'm doing the right thing.

yay for pirates.

and halloween.

umm..yeah.

so many things to think about.

i'm so lucky. and so are you.

meetings, meetings, meetings.

college college college.

mmmmmm vacation??

library books are due.

blue goo all over.
what is it?
rinse it out later.
i'm leaving now.

i want to watch a movie.

i should clean my room. and make it cozy like it used to be.
i love how the light reflects on the walls.

i'm trying really hard in most everything. i really am. it's happy.

life goes on.

*i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can*

i need to go to the bank and get all of my change counted. ooh ahh.

mmmm creativity.

mmmm chocolate.

coincidence? i think not.

i still haven't figured myself out.

but it's ok. i'm getting there.

let's play dress-up!

i'm afraid to cut my hair.
although i hate it, i've grown rather attached to it's wildness. {and *rat*-like qualities. YEAH fammel!}

someone come with me to get it cut! i don't want to be the brady bunch mom again! (haha, probably no one remembers that, but i do.)

my lips are being mean to mean.
{stop it!!!}

i want to know!!!!!!!
{you must be patient. patience is a virtue.}

i'm reading ahead for chemistry. nuclear chemistry = good.

10 years is a long time. or is it?

i want it to be spring. spring spring spring. renew renew renew.

my birthday is coming up soon. i'm afraid to be old.

who was i 2 years ago?
who was i just yesterday?

when i was younger i always wanted to be ariel from the little mermaid. when swimming, i would dive down and skim the bottom of the pool and go slowly back up to the surface with my legs together as if they were fins. and at the beach, we would lay on our stomachs in the break of the waves on the shore and pretend to have been beached upon the land.

so much time is wasted.

new challenge: do something that makes me nervous everyday. and learn from it.

i want to experience more.

mmmmm....life......i want more of you.

i'm home so early today.
i'm in the weirdest mood.
david pointed out that the "i before e except after c" thing doesn't work with the word "weird."

isn't that WEIRD?

have you ever noticed that if you look too long at a word it starts to look completely wrong? i do that all the time and it bothers me.

today was...
bizarre.
nothing was the way it usually is.
chemistry test-- w00t!!! =D the excitement of forever.
my mom is so funny.
this morning: "are you kickboxing?" "no- i'm a rapper."

i'm cold and wet right now.
lauren and i dove into the wet grass in the courtyard today. party.

"is he JOKING?" {i don't know, was he?}

i hate my hairy legs. i hate them so much.

the rain made me happy. {but also wet and cold}

..................................

The sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
I feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way.
But as bad as I am I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore.
You walk through my walls like a ghost on TV
You penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.
And what can I say but I'm wired this way and you're wired to me
And what can I do but wallow in you unintentionally?
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
Regretfully, I guess I've got three simple things to say.
Why me? Why this now? Why this way?
Overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand
That is grey by an ocean that's grey.
What kind of paradise am I looking for?
I've got everything I want and still I want more.
Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

things that have made me happy today:

-i am still alive.
-orange juice.
-cold pineapples.
-my scarf.
-being given flowers.
-the roses in math class.
-the smell of brownies baking.
-my thesis.
-being awesome.
-marching band.
-marbles.
-soon-to-be french class hamster.
-amnesty meeting.
-drama club watching.
-stamps that you don't have to lick.
-closure.
-having a pirate buddy. XxhardcoreXXPiratesX4lifexX!
-being a dork.
-echinacea.
-the fact that i was so tempted to put on pink eyeshadow this morning to match my pink shirt, but then i thought about it and realized how stupid that is and restrained myself and am happier because of it! fan-tas-tic.
-not freaking out completely.
-chemistry test!! parTAY.
-"ahoy!"
-tomorrow is friday.

oh yes. oh yes.

this song, no matter what, always makes me cry.
too many memories attached.

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

i hate when people think they are always right.

i hate when people criticize music.
"oh, they suck."
i at least try to respect all different kinds of music because music is art and art is expression and expression is individual and individuals make the world interesting.
no matter how much i don't like a certain song, i realize that it took time and effort to come up with it and i have no right to just write it off.

sometimes i'm glad i'm not pretty.
i don't have to worry about creepy guys coming after me.
well, most of the time.
i don't like being used.

sometimes

go beast, go!

could it be?

have i found {the} balance??

it's good. it's really good.

mmmm....

i like it better this way.

no pressure....

just one less thing i need to worry about...


She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside isn't on the label

She says she's ashamed
Can she take me for awhile
Can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
Or maybe I'm not able

And I break at the bend

We're here and now, will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry suprise, pink linen on white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her

She says that love is for fools that fall behind,
And I'm somewhere between
Never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

It's too far away
Too far away for me to hold

no no! don't do it. i can't do it.

some people will do anything for attention. i am not one of those people.

i'm cold.

maggie hampton from southern london.

man-cub.

my pants have been through a lot lately.

fudge lumpkins.

brazilian chicks.

i want to hold hands.

all that jazzzzzz.

marbles in a fishbowl.

7 years bad luck.

relax........

pink eye.

i'm such an introverted extrovert. or is it the other way around? no, i think it's that way.

overall, this was a happy week.

environmental club, volunteer fair, amnesty, light the night walk... it's all happy and good.

people are never what they seem.

we all beat ourselves up so much.

too much.

i want a hug from vuk right now.

i can't sleep, but i'm so tired.

jenny and laura had their birthday party at my house today.

it was insane.

beyond insane...

lauren and i rock the boo-tay.

it's all about the hide-and-go-seek WITH SHOES!

aww... and david and matthew on the hill. so cute. i wonder what it's like to be them.

i need to go cry.

life goes by so fast. i'm trying to keep up. really i am.

i don't like it when you do that.

penguin pen.

i'm ready to start anew.

i wish i knew how to talk.

i somehow think that when i think things, i'm actually saying them... but i'm not.
but it's ok. i'm fine this way i guess.

I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?

wow, i'm so schizophrenic it's creepy.

i made blueberry muffins today. for no reason.
i went to rachel's house and gave her the awesome elvis birthday present. i love her mom. she wanted to see what was under his pants.
i talked to mom today. about everything. it was good. i know she always supports me, but it's hard because she has so many other people to take care of besides me. i never get to spend any time alone with her anymore. i know they need her more than i do.
i love that feeling of community. not of mass exodus, but of community. it's happy. all working together to get something done...i like.
i'm excited about the volunteer fair tomorrow. i love throwing myself into things head first. making a difference is my passion and i love it. it's the only thing that's been keeping me {relatively} sane lately. :)
i've been losing my mind.
it's hilarious!!
but it's really not.
it's just so bad that it's funny!
{hahahahaha i'm a psycho}
{deedly-dee}

But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give



"Every exit is an entry somewhere."

-Tom Stoppard

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern North Canada around the year 375.
Your profession was that of a artist, magician or fortune teller.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Bohemian personality, mysterious, highly gifted, capable to understand ancient books. With a magician's abilities, you could have been a servant of dark forces.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your task is to learn determination and persistency. You should not allow to let misfortunes take influence on your strong will.

well. it's about time.

i no longer need so much help and reassurance.
i can handle myself.
i now see that i have bigger things to worry about.
i've had my time. and now it's time to move on.
it's time for me to be a "great friend" again.
my problems really don't amount to very much. and i have realized that.
now it's time for me to help other people through.
they were there for me, and now i'll be there for them.
i miss being so nice. i miss it a lot.
it's just... been really hard to be nice lately, especially when you're not even happy with yourself.
i'm returning to the way i used to be, but this time i have a more knowing perspective and am choosing to be this way.
you know that book by shel silverstein? it's called "the giving tree." it makes me cry every time i read it.
i want to read it now.
"for nicky." wouldn't it be great to have a book dedicated to you? i can't even imagine how that would feel.

Once there was a tree...
and she loved a little boy.
And every day the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree...
very much.
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade
and be happy.
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money. I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy."
And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away from a long time...
and the tree was sad.
And then one day
the boy came back
and the treee shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy,
climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches
and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm," he said.
"I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house," said the tree.
"The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house.
Then you will be happy."
And so the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play," said the boy.
"I want a boat that will take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree.
"Then you can sail away... and be happy."
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy...
but not really.
And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the treee, "but I have nothing left to give you-
My apples are gone.
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something...
but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I am sorry..."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired.
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well and old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

The End.


And now for a song I found today...

Wanna cry for you
Would it do any good?
If I rained for you
It would just be water

And the night's with you
And the storm's in your hand
And you're down, and you're down
And I can't lift you

I'm powerless to change your world
I'm powerless to stop the hurt

But I'll give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
Over and over

Wanna run for you
Would it do any good?
If I flew for you
You would still be standing

And it's hard watching
'Cause I'm part of you
And it's hard not to
Not to know what I can do

I'm powerless to change your world
I'm powerless to stop the hurt

I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength
I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy

I'll give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder

When the night just cuts you through
And the dream is lost to you
When you're worried and confused

I will give you my heart give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
Over and over

Time and again
Give you my shoulder
I will
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I will
Time and again
Over and over
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder

everything hurts.
from my head to my toes.
even my insides hurt.
i just woke up from my hour nap.
i don't want to go to church tonight.
i'm sick.
physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, and emotionally sick.
{thank you, health class.}
i just want to stay in bed all day and forget about homework, committments, projects, and life.
aw geez, now i'm crying. i need to grow up.
wipe away the tears, pretend it's all ok.
i'll make the brownies because you want me to.

"everybody is broken here."

NOOOOO. not you too...

*sigh.*

i wish there was something i could say. some magical words to make you understand how amazing you are.

i'm sick and tired of being "the dependable one."

it's over! it's over!
i did it! i did it!
woooHOOOOO!



i'm the most awake i have been in a lonng time.
which is weird b/c i had 4 hours of sleep last night...AHH

oh man, i realllly want to shave my legs.
it's so weird.

i can't concentrate now.

wheeee!

i'm going to take a bubble bath.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark
December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

i don't know. i just don't know.

i am NOT HAPPY.

nothing i do makes me feel like i've accomplished anything.

i'm sick and TIRED of trying to keep people entertained.

i have my own things to deal with, you know?

i've been excluding myself from everything lately on purpose.

i have nothing to say. i need to think. i need my solitude.

but no. at school, that's practically impossible.

if i hear ONE MORE shrieky laugh or ONE MORE stupid "i'm cool" guy voice
i'll run away. i will literally freak out.

i can't handle that anymore.

we're all the same and i hate it.

even the people who try to be different are the same as everyone else that tries to be different.

we just have our own way of expressing our need to be same.

i'm just so tired.

i hate always having more to do and more and more and more.

my list of things to do is never-ending.

once i finish one thing, two more things pop up and laugh in my FACE.

hah.

go ahead, you can have the last laugh.

just.

leave me.

alone.

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow.
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'dve fallen apart by now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that's more than I can allow.

If you let them make you, they'll make you papier-mache.
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.
If you let them fuck you, there will be no foreplay.
But rest assured, they'll screw you complete til' your ass is blue and grey.

You should make amends with you.
If only for better health.
But if you really want to live,
why not try and make yourself?

She doesn't own a dress
Her hair is always a mess
If you catch her stealin' she won't confess
She's beautiful

She smokes a pack a day
Oh, wait, that's me, but anyways
She doesn't care a thing about that hair.
She thinks I'm beautiful
Meet Virginia

She never compromises
Loves babies and suprises
Wear high heels when she excersizes
Ain't that beautiful?
Meet Virginia

Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna be the queen

Her daddy wrestles alligators
Mamma works on carburetors
Her brother is a fine mediator
for the President

Well here she is again on the phone
Just like me, hates to be alone
We just like to sit at home
and rag on the President
Meet Virginia

Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her lies
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna live this life

She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite .. unusual
You see her confidence is tragic
But her intuition magic
And the shape of her body - unusual

Meet Virginia-oh I can't wait to
Meet Virginia

Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her lies
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I dont really wanna be the queen

I dont really wanna live this...life

oh fuck you.

just FUCK you.

what am i doing here?

everyone is happy without me.

happy.

happy.

happy.

life goes on. it has to.

i'm not one to stick my head in the oven, but i could use a long, long, sleep.

i hear a car alarm. it's been going off for about 4 minutes now...

it stopped.

i haven't lived enough. just existed.

i haven't really LIVED.

i have a bubble that i've lived in all my life.

i'm ready for it to pop, but i'm scared.

there is so much more than this.

this. this- nothingness.

so much to do. it means nothing to me.

i'm susan. susan....?

please call me back tomorrow. i don't what i'll do if you don't.

i want to be invisible. i'm not ready for this.

i have nothing to offer. just me.

i'm pathetic.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

when i run away, i want someone to come after me.

.nothing says love like shag carpet.

you don't know what you're getting into...

no reason- just because...

maybe some of the smartness will stay in this room...

you're the worst group to have fun with...

should i go a little slower?...

it'll be a FUN day, every year i have to drag people to go...

the rain in spain falls mainly on the plane...

we could be married...

the phone's ringing...

i love your scarf...

whisper whisper...

orange orange orange...

stay stay stay... go go go... stay stay stay... go go go...

what?! susannn...

we all live in a yellow submarine...

i was just being a drama queen bitch...

not too close... hey, come back...

works for 24 hours...

i'm taking you to the doctor...

she is gone... all those years...

colleges... whoosssh...

that can really hurt your participation grade...

100...

pathetic...

ok, honey...

just make it quick...

then you click this, and then this, and then this, and then that...

color psychology...

venus...

i'm your fire and joy...

and don't tell me noon is too early...

remind me to never follow you again...

k is for kite...

take your shoes off...



Don't. Don't hurt me. I am sore.

this weekend.
crimes of the heart.
otherwise-
no fun.
no no no.
clean clean clean.
sweep.
out.


gone.

ahhhhh
i'm insannnnne
jacek came and visited me today
we had an adventure
:)
didn't we, jacek?
(oh yes, we did) he'll say.
let's PLANT a rock
phone sex with miss cleo

YEAH michael jackson!
hahahaha, he *rocks my world* ;)

i just went outside and rolled in the grass.
everything is so ALIVE!
the grass, the smell of the ground, the crickets chirping, the night sky, the cool air, the tall trees with their branches, the moths, the flowers... it's all so ALIVE!

woooooo! everything will be alright.

advice of the day: Roll in the grass at night. It's happy.

The way you make me feel
(The way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(You really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
(You knock me off of my feet)
My lonely days are gone
(My lonely days are gone)

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away

There's always another
Wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

i have no privacy.