i'm going to cry.

"Well.........My angel never came back, but its ok, shes still my angel :-D, Night Angel, night all"

my life is such a waste.

hallucinating from pure exhaustion is tons o fun.

lunch was pretty crazy for a while there.

a dinosaur poster chomped during chem

i saw yellow dots everywhere

the ceiling was flapping

my apple could talk

where's the bloody BLENDER!?!?!?!?!

i love my life. i really do.

i am so lucky.

i have an amazing family, awesome friends, ambition, and opportunities everywhere.

i have direction- not a set course, but direction.

i won't let the world get me down.

it's all about action. VERBS. doing.

i'm making the most of my current situation but at the same time i am realizing that there is so much more i have left to do.

i woke up at 7 this morning. my sister was watching that movie with the cop and the waitress who win the lottery. i started crying twice during it because i want to change people's lives. that is my only desire. and just their reactions to kindness.. it made me cry. i know it's just a movie, but still.

i will never give up. there's always a way. or an alternative way.

i refuse to waste my opportunities.

i love the library.
i love making lists.
i love book stores.
i love being a dork.
i love being an environmental freak.
i love having passions.
i love being versatile.
i love people.
i love when people play with my hair.
i love giving hugs and meaning it.
i love hearing stories.
i love color.
i love spelling color as colour.
i love accents.
i love peace.
i love gatherings.
i love baking.
i love walking.
i love art.
i love expression.
i love deep conversations.
i love grass.
i love jumping in the leaves.
i love sharp pencils, but i love pens more.
i love accomplishment.
i love having my own standards.
i love sewing my pillow.
i love the sunshine on my bed.
i love the color of my room.
i love my sleeping bag.
i love the lighter couch in lauren's basement.
i love good memories.

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
If yoou take all of me
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all i've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

there are so many things i don't know about you.
people are never what they seem.
on one hand, i want to know.
but on the other hand, i am scared to knowing.
with knowing comes responsibility.

i feel so selfish.
just because i'm the oldest child doesn't mean that i'm not human.
there are already leaves piling up on my previosly clean yard.
soon it will be covered again with leaves, leaving nothing to show for my work but the blister on my hand.
but that's the way it goes, right?

------------------------------

what should i do?

Nothing
Nothing is the thing to do
(Nothing is the only doing)

I am worthwhile just existing
("Just"?--OK, I am worthwhile
existing)

What if the stars were to start doing something?
("What are you doing hummingbird?"
"I'm just being a hummingbird"
"Oh, is that all?")

As soon as I start doing
I stop being

"I don't understand how you do so little."
(Now that's a compliment)

--"I Touch the Earth, the Earth Touches Me" by Hugh Prather

hip hop has been stalking me for the last few days.

1. Hip hop dance in gym class has led me to realize how nonexistent the effort i put forth to be "sexy" is. What really bothered me was that the other girls didn't seem to realize that what we were doing was for the sole purpose of getting sexual attention from guys. Maybe i'm just a freak, but i don't want that kind of attention just by shaking my ass. as we were learning the dance, i looked around and saw how pathetic we were acting. maybe i'll switch to the coed class if we keep doing this because i have no desire to be a sexual object for fun.

2. On the good side of hip hop, I volunteered as an usher at the paramount last night. the performance was of these 5 guys who were incredible. they never stopped. it seemed like they had rubber bodies and they could break dance, beat box, and tumble amazingly. *ooo la la* the old ladies I worked with love me. I’m “vibrant.” J


i raked the leaves today and i got a blister on my hand. it hurts like no other.
anyone want to help me rake my neighbor's yard? she's too old to do it herself. and no, no money for it.

i want to have a let's-bake-cookies-party before the end of the year.
i also want to clean my room this weekend and have it all cleaned out by the end of the year. minimal possessions = good.
we should have a new year's eve party.

I’m afraid of getting too close to people. I know that it ends.

I ate popcorn with chopsticks today. It was an adventure.

I hope I’m a good example.

I should stay home tonight and do homework but I’m tired of trying to make everything perfect because it never will be.

i *heart* matt nicholas!!

i want to be in love.

why do i even try?

will somebody please explain to me WHY I EVEN TRY?

why do i care?

what makes ME care?

what do i have that other people don't?

why don't they SEE IT?

i'm sorry for being a bitch, but i'm really not sorry. i have the right to be bitchy but i shouldn't yell at people who have nothing to do with it. so for that, i am sorry.

now, off to another meeting..

i have the best friends ever!

thanks so much you guys.

:)

{i'll write more later...homeworkkkkkkkkkk}

there is someone for everyone but me.

this weekend has consisted of (in chronological order):

walking home

practice psat

babysitting peter

playdough ball throwing

fingerpaint dumping

truck books

beads

humming "goodnight, my someone" for 20 minutes straight

sneaking out of peter's room so he doesn't wake up

sleeping

psat party

*swedish* (sweetest) day

being a freak

walking home

math/chem homework

jenny & laura's last soccer game action

yellow blanket

water bottle

john

jeep

mcdonalds

joe fox and jake extravaganza

she is the cutest person ever.

beautiful.

keep your pants on.

i will be one year older in exactly 20 minutes.

church with katie.

walk home.

dinner.

my mom is so cool.

lauren.

best calendar ever

"for the longest time"

let's drive 15 mph for FUN...

goodwill was closed.

the way you make me feel

michael's.

stamps.

yarn.

daisies.

splurging on fabric. w00t.

that's hot.

tree hugger.

sugar.

border's.

justus.

the itsy-bitsy pumpkin bug.

out in the open.

which way?

barnes and noble.

don't even try.

tires.

stair difficulties.

my security guard buddy.

tango music.

in the morning when it's hard

dance party.

10,000 ways...

bitch

break up

asiago cheese pretzel

tazo tea

ladybug smashing

spunky

amy's dad

10 more minutes...

swimming in sweatshirts

firetruck

spanish

home

fabric

antici----pation.

i'll try and have a birthday party... sometime...

it just might have to be a random day party because i just don't see how a party could happen any time soon.

5 minutes...

mmm...foreign...

family can be so good.

make the first move

paper cuts

less talk-- more action.

big black things make me happy.

being comfortable.

sunny hair.

2 minutes...

1 minute...

oh man...

this is intense...

woooooooo i'm 17!

that was exciting.

awww..

hehe. maybe there's still hope.

1. Awesome weekend including amnesty meeting, conference helping, apple pie making, babysitting, lauren's house craziness, tree climbing, musical-with-my-mom-going, church, forest preserve escapades and bridge crossings with jacek, downtown adventures and list-making with phil, american girl place "partying," pigeon watching with katie, crazy taxi-driveringisms, train delay napping, and scarlet letter reading.

2. tomorrow is thursday!

3. the day after that is friday!!

4. people confuse me.

5. i had a realization today. the reason it's hard for me to relate to a lot of people is because of tv. i used to watch minimal tv and now i don't watch it at all. if you listen to most people talk, a lot of their experiences are related back to a tv show or a movie. "oh yeah, that one simpson's where homer goes..." am i right? i just don't have those connections in my head because the things i talk about have been experienced by me first-hand.

6. my hands are really cold.

7. i need more lithium ions.

8. yesterday after school i went insane. it was kind of scary.

9. french class is a test of my self-control.

10. i hate sports. i hate all the attention they get.

11. i don't know how to say no to some things.

12. my birthday is on sunday. i don't want to be old.

13. haha. don't be such a copycat.

14. to study, or not to study?

15. i need more sleep.

16. i want a massage.

17. stupid glue.

18. there is so much that i don't know.

19. a little chicago ditty for aaron:

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would
Have done the same!

20. i don't know what i want, but i know exactly what i don't want.

21. 7 x 3 = 21.

22. what is holding me back?

i love the smell of laundry.

i'm being selfish about my weekend.

maybe i'll go into it in detail after it is over so that i'll be able to remember all the fun stuff i've done.

maybe.

i could not sleep last night.

my head... i have the worst headache.

it's so bad that i just want to pound my head against the wall and that would make it hurt less.

my soft squooshy pillow felt like a rock.

i ended up sleeping without any pillows.

why do i care so much?

am i always supposed to do things to please other people?

what about what i want to do?

is that being selfish?

i wish i could just forget about everything for a day and have fun.

i need to go for a walk. maybe i'll walk to lauren's now.

yeah. i will.

whatever you do today, make the most of it.

sorry.

today was a good day.

i'm in the i'm-a-freak-and-have-lots-to-say-but-don't-wanna-say-it mood.

"i feel like i'm in a fucking canary cage."

that is all.

"have a good night! *grin*

oooooh man. so i got my hair cut FINALLY!!!

i donated it to locks of love.. and i was sooo scared!!

kidsnips is the new coolest place ever.

thanks to lauren for coming with me! :)

today has been a good day.

i feel so different now.

and school tomorrow will be fun.

yay for refusing to do math homework.

i'm excited.

i am PUMPED about LIFE.

now it's time to go play with my hair. :)

my box didn't work.
*sniffle sniffle*

first of all, i would like to thank jacek for making the mix cd for me. i haven't been able to listen to it yet though because my computer is being an ass and i'm afraid the cd player in my room will eat it up. :( i'll kick katie off of the other computer and listen to it later tonight. i'm pumped. i started making him a sign during history, but it felt too exposed. i must finish that tonight.

jacek's cd was about the only good part of my day.

i could rant forever, but i'll just keep my rants in a box for today.

BOX O' RANTS

---------------------------------------
l l
l people have no respect l
l l
l i want everyone to care l
l l
l i'm a push-over l
l l
l penis enlargement pop-ups l
l l
l yelling l
l l
l the integrity of our school l
l l
l i have nowhere to be alone l
l l
l the fact that i let other l
l people's actions l
l bother me. l
---------------------------------------

i want so badly for it to be the weekend so that i can curl up in my warm bed all day and enjoy the fact that i am able to breathe.

mmmmmmmmm...
but as for now, all i have is...

Devenir
Revenir
Mourir
Rester
Sortir
Venir
Arriver
Naitre
Descendre
Entre
Rentrer
Tomber
Retourner
Aller
Monter
Passer
Partir

--verbs conjugated with etre--

w00t. now if i could only remember the R translations...

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i don't know the right things to say.

i'm sorry that i can never understand myself.

i'm sorry that i run away.

i'm sorry that i'm afraid.

i'm sorry i don't trust anyone.

i'm sorry i've lost my faith.

i'm sorry i'm a failure.

i'm sorry i'm not what you want me to be.

i'm sorry i give up so easily and i'm sorry that i'm so stubborn.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

last night as i was falling asleep, i kept having all of these flashbacks.

my first kiss was a waste.

i hate him for making me be someone i'm not.

my dreams have been so eerie too, but i forget them right away.

the last few days have been really bad and ending up with me crying like an idiot.

i know crying doens't help, but i couldn't help it. things have gotten so incredibly overwhelming to me.

and it also doesn't help that i'm almost always smiling so people have no idea that anything is wrong. my smile is a habit and maybe that's a good thing because i have this physical reminder of when things were happy.

nothing ever works out, i try and do so many things for other people but i always end up hurting someone, i regret too many things, i'm afraid to talk, people have no respect for anything, and if so many people care about then why am i sitting here alone again?

You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell- where have you been?

oh wait. it's not your fault. it's all my fault.

as usual.

regarding my list of things to do yesterday...

*letter to bish-man
*write up service projects
_fill out gold award paperwork
_turn in gold ppw.
*take back the night
*study for tests
*french beast hw
_get change counted at bank (doing tomorrow when it's open)
*clean frog tank (ick)
*bake something (blueberry muffins)
*wash the dishes
_go shopping for soil
_make signs
_clean up room...
*stop making lists and start doing something!

eh, not too bad considering it's me we're talking about here.



T!A^N.g>O. is the new music of choice.

...too sexy for his shirtS.

i made the appointment to get the rat chopped off.

today will be a productive day. i woke up at 8:30 this morning.

things i need to do today:

_letter to bish-man
_write up service projects
_fill out gold award paperwork
_turn in gold ppw.
_take back the night
_study for tests
_french beast hw
_get change counted at bank
_clean frog tank
_bake something
_wash the dishes
_go shopping for soil
_make signs
_clean up room...
_stop making lists and start doing something!

i wish i still had someone that sings me a lullabye as i fall asleep.

or even a bed time story.

i remember singing to my little sisters when they were younger.

and humming. a combination of singing and humming.

they weren't real songs... i just made them up as i went along.

grrrrrrr...

there's nothing you can say now.

perceptions.

no one really knows who i am.

you'll never know.

i'm as real as i can possibly express, but there's still so much more.

and i'm still much more interested in you than i am in myself.

where's my rock?

A denial
A denial...

there is a hole in my sock.

my purse is still gone.

itch itch.

the courtyard is clean.

tomorrow is friday.

i'm hungry.

liberia.

i need a me-day.

and i don't see that day coming anytime soon...

i woke up at 2:56 this morning and had a craving for orange juice.

i keep having strange dreams, but i've been forgetting them very quickly because i have so many other thoughts to keep in line.

the word morsel bothers me.

sorry i haven't been responding to my email lately. i just don't know what to say or if i should do certain things. i'll figure it out eventually.

the kitchen timer is going off. it's continual beeping reminds me of the many things i need to be doing.

So this is what it feels like.

What it is to burn.

My purse was stolen today.

In the locker room… and my locker was locked.

5 other girls had their things stolen too.

I lost my actual purse, my cell phone, graphing calculator, ID card, library card, money, my markers, and all of my little sentimental things that are only of value to me.

I also lost some of my spirit.

I don’t understand it.

I wonder where it is right now. I know where it’s supposed to be- right there, on the couch next to me.

My purse has always been the one material thing that I get attached to. It is ME. In a purse. I feel like something is missing from me.

I really don’t care- you can take everything else, but not my purse.

And I know I’ll never get it back. Yeah, I filed a report at the dean’s office, but that won’t make any difference. I just don’t understand.

FIVE PEOPLE. With LOCKED lockers. That wasn’t just a random idea. That took planning and thought. And what are they going to do with my stuff? The only thing of immediate value to anyone but me is the $10 I had in my wallet. It just makes me sick.

R.I.P. My purse. I hope you buy lots of drugs or food and the like, and find a garbage can not as lonely as it would first appear. I hope they recycle the papers and notes I had in you…

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. -Dennis Wholey

“It happens.”