you know what happens when you try too hard?

nothing.

at least, nothing good.

i wrote this big long spiel about why i was so upset on thursday and i deleted it.

i was trying too hard. i didn't like it.

here is the jist of it though.

my gramma falling and having to have 7 staples in the back of her head.

me + society = no good.

me + trying = worthless.

me + being upset = stupid.

me + other people = awkward.

me + crying = splotchy.

me + not caring = scary.

me + everything = my fault.

today i had a revelation. it was that i'll never fit in. at least, in my own mind. i just don't think that way. i can't think that way.

most of it boils down to consumerism. i don't watch tv or listen to radio ads or read magazines and i rarely see movies anymore. i'm not affected by all of the media. and now when i'm exposed to it, it all seems completely stupid. how do people fall for such blatant gunk? (yes, gunk.)

i want something different.

i want peanuts with the shells still on them.