i really am an emotional wreck.
i think about things that most of us don't even give a second thought to.
i don't want to explain.
i have also realized that i have some psychotic issue with perfection. i don't want to be perfect for my parents or my sisters or so that i get into harvard or so that other people like me.. it's just for me. it's getting out of hand. really. but i don't see any alternatives. what am i supposed to do? try and not do my best? god, i agonize over every little thing and end up getting nothing accomplished. everything inside me is conflicting. and it's not even about the actual grades, i see it as a reflection of the work and effort i put into something. and i always put lots of effort into everything i do and then when a grade conflicts with that i get mad at myself. it's this constant battle that i'll never win. and even though i want to be smart, i always tell myself that i'm dumb. i was never in PI or advanced math or whatever. i just DECIDED to be smart. wth? who does that? i always want more and i don't take no for an answer. but when i don't do as well as i wanted to, i get really upset. i need to chill out. but i CAN'T. i try, really i do. but chilling out only leads me into deeper trouble and procrastination. my view of perfection is personal, only for me. it's not the typical view of perfect. i usually forget about this pyschotic thing and am the happy susan you all know. even today, when i'm tired and crabby, molly says to me, "susan, are you ever mad?" i tell her that i'm tired and crabby but she doesn't believe me. i can't help it. i can't let people see that side of me. i always end up laughing it off and i see it as better that way. it's a curse, but i've accepted it. i really don't have a good reason for being tired and crabby anyway. even my cheek muscles are hard from smiling so much. how pathetic is that.
i'm such a mess.
but not really. but i really am.
i need a vacation.
but no. there is no time to waste.
there are people to clothe, feed, shelter. go go go.
i can't give up.
don't let me give up.
i think about things that most of us don't even give a second thought to.
i don't want to explain.
i have also realized that i have some psychotic issue with perfection. i don't want to be perfect for my parents or my sisters or so that i get into harvard or so that other people like me.. it's just for me. it's getting out of hand. really. but i don't see any alternatives. what am i supposed to do? try and not do my best? god, i agonize over every little thing and end up getting nothing accomplished. everything inside me is conflicting. and it's not even about the actual grades, i see it as a reflection of the work and effort i put into something. and i always put lots of effort into everything i do and then when a grade conflicts with that i get mad at myself. it's this constant battle that i'll never win. and even though i want to be smart, i always tell myself that i'm dumb. i was never in PI or advanced math or whatever. i just DECIDED to be smart. wth? who does that? i always want more and i don't take no for an answer. but when i don't do as well as i wanted to, i get really upset. i need to chill out. but i CAN'T. i try, really i do. but chilling out only leads me into deeper trouble and procrastination. my view of perfection is personal, only for me. it's not the typical view of perfect. i usually forget about this pyschotic thing and am the happy susan you all know. even today, when i'm tired and crabby, molly says to me, "susan, are you ever mad?" i tell her that i'm tired and crabby but she doesn't believe me. i can't help it. i can't let people see that side of me. i always end up laughing it off and i see it as better that way. it's a curse, but i've accepted it. i really don't have a good reason for being tired and crabby anyway. even my cheek muscles are hard from smiling so much. how pathetic is that.
i'm such a mess.
but not really. but i really am.
i need a vacation.
but no. there is no time to waste.
there are people to clothe, feed, shelter. go go go.
i can't give up.
don't let me give up.
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