I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you
That gleam in your eyes seems so familiar to me
And I know its true
That visions are seldom what they seem
But if I know you
I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once
Upon a dream

i'm reading the most disturbing/true book ever.
it makes me wonder..

charlie is so soft and happy.

i hate the smell of tuna.

it feels good to clean out my closet.

i've had lots of dreams lately.

chorus?

i need to think about my schedule for next year.

who remembers when i used to type LiKe ThiS? haha, that makes me laugh.

have a lovely day.

what is wrong with me?

why can't i just suck it up?

the need to write something is hitting me.
i am way too tired for my own good.
what a crazy day.
"camping" was a fun time.
i *heart* crafts.
today i made an apple pie.
it looks yummy.
old pictures make me laugh.

i don't know what i want anymore.
it's all conflicting.
i live in this dream world where everything is the way i would like it to be.
but then i realize that world isn't real.
and it hurts.
it leaves me like this.

i have no real emotions. they are too jumbled up.

and after tonight, i am officially the LOSER of the year.
what's going on?
i have no attention span.
my mind wanders between the real world and my world.
"not all who wander are lost." j.r.r tolkien

i hope i remember my dreams tonight.
i could use some direction from my subconscious self.

my tummy hurts.

i really need to get rid of this hideous blue nail polish.
it's bothering me.

somehow my screen saver is a bunch of skiing snowmen and you shoot at them. (??) it makes weird noises too...

i don't understand this world.
why?????????

guess i should go to sleep now...

i need some music.

i want something//

unusual. foreign. relaxing. deep. smoothly rough. poetic.



i like writing things down before saying them. if it looks good in writing, it will sound good in voice. sometimes i like having something secure.

milwaukee was an experience. it was nice to forget about everything for awhile.

i shaved my legs.

it took me about an hour. (not too bad, ay? considering...)
it feels really weird.
really weird.

i'm glad to be home.

oh man. i'm a driving beast.
i realized tonight that i really have a need for speed.
it's really bad. it takes all i have to restrain myself.
resisting temptation=good. ::angel::

what is with me?
i'm so crazy.
these pants are so big.
soooo big.

this was a weekend of:
realizations
confusion
emotional distress
curiousity
drunk men
water slides
razors
jelly beans
water bottles
sweatshirts
straighteners
not belonging
acceptance
rain drops
seat belts
cameras
yellow
magnets
butterflies
wind
classical music
headaches
wristbands
unusual spices
security guard bible stories
misunderstandings
i do right way, not wrong way.
bright lights and loud noises.
weddings.

i wish everyone could understand.
3 points for trying.

ding ding ding.

emily dickinson poem... get ready.

"Why do I love" You, Sir?
Because—
The Wind does not require the Grass
To answer—Wherefore when He pass
She cannot keep Her place.

Because He knows—and
Do not You—
And We know not—
Enough for Us
The Wisdom it be so—

The Lightning—never asked an Eye
Wherefore it shut—when He was by—
Because He knows it cannot speak—
And reasons not contained—
—Of Talk—
There be—preferred by Daintier Folk—

The Sunrise—Sire—compelleth Me—
Because He's Sunrise—and I see—
Therefore—Then—
I love Thee—
-----------------------------

fun night-- but i am tiiiiire-d.

:)

i'm in such a good mood right now. i'm not even tired.

haha, red sparkly pants for NHS induction. thaaaaat's right.

i'm so wide awake and my homework isn't that bad... ::crazy grin::

everything is ok.

i'm actually excited about milwaukee this weekend. it will be a nice get-away.

OH! annd i haven't shaved my legs yet on account of wearing those red pants instead of a skirt. buuut... i just might have to do it for milwaukee... we'll see. (we're going to an indoor water park......yeahh....) haha, maybe i'll just go with hairy legs! none of those people will ever seen me again except for jessica and emily. how crazy would that be?? oooooh man.

i need some more excitement in my life.

let's go skydiving or something.

i am so excited about life.

everything is important to me.

i won't give up now.

Impossible, for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage
Impossible, for a plain country bumpkin and a prince to join in marriage
And four white mice will never be four white horses
Such fol-de-rol and fiddledy dee of course is, Impossible


But the world is full of zanies and fools
Who don’t believe in sensible rules
And won’t believe what sensible people say
And because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes
Keep building up impossible hopes
Impossible things are happening every day!

-- YEAH cinderella!

i need a hug.

i'm so upset.
who do i think i am?
i feel so empty inside.
i want to get away, but i have nowhere to go.
too many negative feelings.
oh no.
i'm such a horrible person. everything i try and do gets messed up.
i'm so selfish. i get unnerved by the stupidest things.
i let things get way out of hand when i could have stopped it a long time ago.
and i am so fat. i hate taking up so much space.

i just want to dissappear.

completely.

and no. i don't want your pity.
i'm sick of all this.
i'm sick of my life.
i don't want to be a part of this.
why don't i just get over it like everyone else?
why can't i just ACCEPT things the way they are?
why is it so difficult to want something different?
i don't understand.
no one understands.
i'm just wasting everybody's time.
i don't deserve all of these good people in my life.
all i do is cause harm.
i'm tired. i am really really tired.
everything is my fault.
get me out of here.
what is real?
is anything real? is this all a dream?
why do i try so hard?
why can't i think the world revolves solely around me and be happy?
hm?? HMM??
i'm so stupid.
i don't even know what i want.
why am i even writing this?
do i think it will change something? make it different?
no. it won't.

blah.

i'm feeling kind of lonely right now.
not excessively lonely, just a little.
i haven't gone out this weekend. i know everyone is having fun without me.
but it was my choice.
and that's why i can't be really lonely.
i could call people, but i'm afraid. i think i'm afraid of rejection.
i always feel the need to entertain people even if it doesn't seem like it.
there's a wall. a definite wall.
maybe it's the cold. i've been so cold lately.
some nights i have this longing where i need to sleep next to someone and wake up in the morning with them there. not even in a sexual way.. just to know that someone is there. someone who would stay awake until i fell asleep listening to the muffled in's and out's of their breath and feeling the gentle touch of their fingers through my hair.
so this is what happens to me when i am so far removed from the rest of the world..
i organized today. change is good. i needed some variety.
i started a "wall o' love" in my room today.
it is growing quite rapidly.
perhaps once i am completely cleaned out, some people will be able to see it.
i need some warmth. i had the urge to go buy a big fuzzy hooded sweatshirt today, but i didn't.
tomorrow i am going out to brunch with my family.
this has been the weekend of me.
i'll be gone next weekend too.
i'm going to volunteer at the paramount/milwaukee trip/QUEST.
it's ok. variety is the spice of life.
external influences.
well. i am tired. guess i'll go sleep now.
alone.
goodnight.

guys, i'm so happy right now.

i'm going to burst!

it's not for any particular reason (including my license).. i'm just happy.

:) yayyyyy......

i think it's a combination of:

wants paper is over
i have my license!
i have cookies
my mom bought me this cool purple quoted shirt that i'm wearing tomorrow
i talked to my aunts and gramma today
i turned in my act prep $
i turned in the nhs thing
we're bowling in gym class tomorrow, and i'm actually getting better. i don't care if the way i bowl looks like i'm not trying.. it's all in the release, baby, all in the release. hah. freak.
tomorrow is friday!!!
we got a new cell phone (cuz the other one was stolen.. gr..) who wants the #?? i need some friends! =P
i had only corn for dinner. i ate it with chopsticks (?!) i really am a freak.
my hair is fun.
i want to give everyone a hug! tomorrow will be hug day! come and find me, you'll win a prize.

on a side note, the latest entry to my guestbook has been bothering me. well, not bothering me, but i have this compulsive need to know who wrote it. i know that will most likely not happen and i know who i think wrote it but i really don't know and i don't like guessing. in any case, it was sweet and i look at it everytime i need to cheer myself up. i know. i'm a loser.

happy happy happy!

oh man. and i'm bringing my knitting to school tomorrow. these last few weeks i have been going crazy with having this need to CREATE something. go go go. i'm so obsessive compulsive that it's kind of funny. ha ha. my scarf-like thing is so long now and colorful and warm and HAPPY! prepare yourself for it's amazingness. mmmmMM!

who got their license???

i got my license!!!

w00t!!

dude, it took less than an hour there and back.

i *heart* driving.

{insert every swear word here}

there she goes.

she does it again.

perfect 10 all across the boards.

you know what happens when you try too hard?

nothing.

at least, nothing good.

i wrote this big long spiel about why i was so upset on thursday and i deleted it.

i was trying too hard. i didn't like it.

here is the jist of it though.

my gramma falling and having to have 7 staples in the back of her head.

me + society = no good.

me + trying = worthless.

me + being upset = stupid.

me + other people = awkward.

me + crying = splotchy.

me + not caring = scary.

me + everything = my fault.

today i had a revelation. it was that i'll never fit in. at least, in my own mind. i just don't think that way. i can't think that way.

most of it boils down to consumerism. i don't watch tv or listen to radio ads or read magazines and i rarely see movies anymore. i'm not affected by all of the media. and now when i'm exposed to it, it all seems completely stupid. how do people fall for such blatant gunk? (yes, gunk.)

i want something different.

i want peanuts with the shells still on them.

there are some people who i wish i could take all of their pain away and just bring it upon myself.

despite my conflicts with the rest of the world, i am a strong person.
i can deal with myself.

but it hurts me so much to see other people suffer.

and it hurts even more to know that all i can do is sit there and listen and try to understand and then wipe away their tears.

but is that enough? i know it's not and i'm sorry. i feel so worthless.

i know that i need to stay strong. if not for me, then for other people.

we can't let the world bring us down.
that's not an option.

there IS good. there is.

i realized today how bad i am at expressing my emotion towards other people.
i really suck at it.

i'll work on it. promise.

but until then, i love you all. you are my world.

don't you forget that.

and thank you for listening to me and wiping away my tears when i'm upset.

i know i won't forget.

tainted
walrus
in the night
moves
slowly
to
the beat
of a drum.
don't you
don't you forget
about me
i'm sorry
always sorry
fault
lines
no new messages (0)
time
more time
please
wait for me
i'll get there someday
i'd rather be susan
blue
locked
safe
gone
no trespassers
listen to me
are you kidding me?
it's all about me
on on off on of on
smile
say cheese
why cheese?
i hate cheese
.like a normal person
ok, MOM
i said i am at your disposal
i'm not your garbage disposal
step on the toes of
let's talk about
so you're bored, now what?
what do you want me to say?
tea cups above me
floating
falling
crashing
down.
windows to the soul
eyes
what did you do to them?
nothing
why am i doing this for you?
why aren't you doing this for me?
35mm
hey, don't go away
that's not emo
salted grass
not really
purple marker
thank you
let me know
cuddle
that's shit and you know it
congratulations
i'll see you later
i'll see you in hell
there are no mistakes
oops
you'll be mad later
no i won't
i don't care
what are you doing laying on the cement?
are you alive?
yes, i'm alive. very much so.
then what are you doing?
watching the clouds go by.
oh. why?
.i have a lot to teach you before my time is up
i love you
he's too feminine, his hair is too perfect.
it's a she
accent
more more more
tomato
light sauce please
how could you forget?
6.022 x 10^23
love always,
i'm not as strong as you'd like me to be
chipped nail polish
the story of my life.