thanks so much to lauren for helping me clean out my room today!!

we're going to have an exchange of stuff with a bunch of people on thursday night and whatever is left over we're going to take right to goodwill. i'm excited. if anyone else would like to partake in such an ordeal, contact me.

i think i'm going to go watch the return of jafar in my room now. jasmine is being a whore.

johnny depp is drrrrrrreamy.
girls' night in rocks my world.

i was really hyper but now i'm really tired.
maybe i'll write more about GNI later.
oh. and i still say that mr. rogers IS meow.

i've been in such dorky moods lately. it's hilarious.

i spent a lot of time stroking a tiger from aladin.

hahahahahahhahahahh haaaaaaaaa.........

i'm giving up more and more about caring what people think of me.

it's my life, right?

one more thing.

even if you forget everything else about me, try and remember this.

remember me as the person who tried her best and put up a good fight.

i'm going to disappear for a while.
too many things are changing and i don't know how to keep up with them.
actually, i just don't want to face reality.
i'm in denial of many things.
i need to throw myself back into studying.
..or something.
i'm tired of all the drama.
i just want to exist.

farewell.

who AM i?

WHAT am i?

i don't belong anywhere.
if someone didn't know me, what would you say?
"oh she's the girl who _____."
or
"oh she's the ______ girl."

it seems like all of you have a niche. some people or somewhere that you belong.

i don't have that.

it makes me kind of sad.

i'm used to belonging.

but i refuse to change myself so that i belong.

so i guess i really shouldn't be sad about not belonging if i'm not willing to change the situation.

i have to go babysit. ...again..

at least they like me.

and you know what?
everyone could care less about the previously mentioned list.
not that i blame you.


ah oui, et.. je deteste les oeufs! >:(
mais, j'adore les films francais!
oh la la!

tonight was the "let's get fat and not care" night.
while today was the "let's be crabby/clean compulsively/babysit and crawl around so much your knees fall off" day.

what a life i live.

bon soir, mes amis.

today has not been a good day.

i'm such a failure.

i can't do anything right.

i can't even carry on a conversation without ending up feeling stupid.

things i have failed at:

viola
piano
soccer
volleyball
badminton
singing
being organized
listening
being skinny
being a good friend
calling people
art
shopping
being a good daughter/sister/neighbor
having a boyfriend
swimming
being decisive
acting
math
expressing emotion

what's left?

i'm tired of crying.
i'm tired of complaining.
i'm tired of being a burden.
i'm sick of having everything be my fault.
i'm tired of caring so much.

She's come undone
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn't fly
It was too late

today was still the church/meeting/babysitting day, but it was also the quick!-think-about-your-future day.

i spent most of the morning looking at colleges. i'm actually getting more into it. there are many more possibilities for me than i expected. i'm already getting torn between a few of them.

and then tonight i was babysitting. my neighbors just adopted a new baby boy named philip and he is adorable.

katie kept saying how motherly i am and how i'm going to be one of those crazy people with 14 children.

and i'll admit it, i would be a great mother. i have so much patience with kids and i love making them happy and seeing them grow. but. but what about my plans for saving the whole world? and i guess i could say that being a good mother is saving the world in a way because you bring in new caring people.

and what about my environmental craziness and teaching and my school and sustainable living and global peace and justice and travel and such?? do i give all of that up? is that the right thing to do? or do i not raise a family?

can i do everything?

well, i guess i could do everything. but could i do it well?

i'm so exhausted that i couldn't do anything tonight. zzzzzz...
yet i'm in a surprisingly good mood.

my christmas tree has a potbelly. {??}

i get so nostalgic around christmas.

"come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon, come to my window, i'll be home soon"

everyday during my break is going to have a theme.

tomorrow is the crazy-go-out-with-everyone day.

sunday i have church and meeting and babysitting.. so i guess that's church/meeting/babysitting day.. :)

monday i want to go to the field museum! it's a free day.
let me know if you'd want to come with.

magical christmas elves ROCK!

all i want for christmas... is you

haha we're such freaks.

10 more minutes till winter break!!!!!!!!!
i thought it would never come!!

i didn't fall off the bed! haha

hamsa!!

i am the t-shirt folding, sweeping, mopping BEAST!!!

8 more minutes...

we should have a party!
i also want to watch lots of movies over break.
and go to the LIBRARY!! :D

let's make these 16 days kick some boo-TAY

CALL me~! ;) *giggle*
hah.

:DDDDD

hahaha holiday ham?!?!

wonderful, warm reception

i'm outta here!!

haha, i'm such a dork. i'm at school right now...

tonight is going to be a lonnnnng time with that meaningful life paper...

maybe it won't be that bad. i have a good framing device....i think.....
besides, i have lots to say about what makes a meaningful life.

i'm in a good mood right now.
i *heart* my scarf.

i hope it's snowing right now.
but it's probably not.
what 19th century poet should i be? hmmmm

regarding christmas presents:
there is no way i get get all of them by friday! no possible way!
grar. i hate shopping so much.
someone come with me!
oh yeah, and i'll give people their presents after winter break because i'm cool like that.

winter break is going to be so crazy!! i'm excited, but i have a lot of stuff to do over it too.. oh mama.

my hand is itchy.

i want to garden!

oooh, courtyard murals. let's go!

i love freshmen. they make me happy.

***keep me motivated tonight!!***
pleassssse! DON'T let me talk to you unless it's about my paper! haha. i really could use a decent amount of sleep tonight...

thanks guys.

peace out. yo.

i know it's not me you want.
i know. i know i know i KNOW.
i can hardly blame you either.

i'm so confused and tired.
my hair was stupid today. it's mad at me again. {well sorrrrrrrrry}

i have a long way to go.

if this is only the beginning, why does it feel like the end?

"the woman who was also a mongoose" -the dead milkmen

french bread, taco sauce, a white chocolate reese's cup, and a soy protein bar?!

i'm such a dork.

i'm feeling rather "eh" right now.

last night, as i was falling asleep, i was thinking about saddam hussein. i saw a clip of him on the news and what i saw upset me. here was this old man. i saw a dead man, to say the least. his spirit was dead and has been a long time. spending the last days of your free life in basically a hole in the ground does not give me the impression of someone who has found fulfillment. running and running but never finding what you have spent your whole life looking for.

i can't hardly imagine how lonely and abandoned and unloved he must have been when he was younger. what else would drive a person to do all of the horrible things he has done? how insecure and wanting.

do you think that if one person had really loved him that any of this would have happened? just one person. and love.

i believe that would have stopped it.

in a way, i pity him. but i can't let myself do that.

life is defined by the decisions one makes and those were his decisions.

but my point here is that we can never let that happen to a person again. no one should feel so alone and hopeless that they cling to something like their power.

love your enemies. if not enemies, maybe just those people who you don't especially like.

it's hard. i know it is. but it makes you a stronger person in the end.

love everyone. we are all here together and what you do affects everyone around you whether you like it or not.

look out for other people. let them know you care about them. reach out. COMPASSION.

i love you all. goodnight.

and come to environmental club tomorrow-- i made a cake! ;)

soooooophiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa

iii-- hitzeman thesis.. ahhhh

i want to have a snowball fight if it ever snows enough! who's with me?

wow, i'm a nut. i need to study and do my RB...ahhhhhh.... AHH..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

it's all ok. doesn't really matter anyway.......

gah! my neck! rawr. i have the worst neck/head ache. bah humbug.

slurping is fun.

"look at her. she is so beaUtiful! you're gonna have to put a bag over her head!"

today is just one of those days.

blah. i'm cold and tired and crabby and alone and stressed out and frustrated.

growl.

i'm about to embark upon a cooking quest.
so many club parties this week.

i wish i had someone who could either get me out of my funk or to be patient with me.

oh suzie blue.

i guess you're just what i needed!

::happy finger/head banging dance::

i was just thinking about people and pencils.

how you can replace one pencil with another pencil but you can't replace one person with another person.

but now i'm thinking..

not all pencils look the same. some are the plain yellow ones, some are sparkly, and some are mechanical. but essentially, aren't they all pencils? don't they all write?

are people that way? are we all different, yet essentially the same?

i am going to continue my list of things i am in love with.

i love the smell of rain.
i love the comforting sound of acoustic guitars.
i love clear voices.
i love the night sky.
i love holding hands.
i love crying for a reason. emotion.
i love my pink fuzzy blanket.
i love watching candlelight dance on the walls of my room.
i love sincerity.
i love walks.
i love petting dogs.
i love jumping in puddles.
i love getting completely soaked and the feeling of drying off afterward.
i love knowing that other people were thinking about me.
i love music.
i love the color of my eyes when i am happy.
i love to laugh.
i love notebooks.
i love getting the chills.
i love reading.
i love being engaged in what i am doing.
i love being caught by surprise.
i love the quiet routine of my life.
i love the spontaneity of my life.
i love defining myself.
i love when my family sings happy birthday to me and all the lights are out except for the candles. it gives off this loving glow which reflects upon everyone's faces.

i'm in love with the world.

i really am an emotional wreck.
i think about things that most of us don't even give a second thought to.
i don't want to explain.

i have also realized that i have some psychotic issue with perfection. i don't want to be perfect for my parents or my sisters or so that i get into harvard or so that other people like me.. it's just for me. it's getting out of hand. really. but i don't see any alternatives. what am i supposed to do? try and not do my best? god, i agonize over every little thing and end up getting nothing accomplished. everything inside me is conflicting. and it's not even about the actual grades, i see it as a reflection of the work and effort i put into something. and i always put lots of effort into everything i do and then when a grade conflicts with that i get mad at myself. it's this constant battle that i'll never win. and even though i want to be smart, i always tell myself that i'm dumb. i was never in PI or advanced math or whatever. i just DECIDED to be smart. wth? who does that? i always want more and i don't take no for an answer. but when i don't do as well as i wanted to, i get really upset. i need to chill out. but i CAN'T. i try, really i do. but chilling out only leads me into deeper trouble and procrastination. my view of perfection is personal, only for me. it's not the typical view of perfect. i usually forget about this pyschotic thing and am the happy susan you all know. even today, when i'm tired and crabby, molly says to me, "susan, are you ever mad?" i tell her that i'm tired and crabby but she doesn't believe me. i can't help it. i can't let people see that side of me. i always end up laughing it off and i see it as better that way. it's a curse, but i've accepted it. i really don't have a good reason for being tired and crabby anyway. even my cheek muscles are hard from smiling so much. how pathetic is that.

i'm such a mess.
but not really. but i really am.

i need a vacation.
but no. there is no time to waste.

there are people to clothe, feed, shelter. go go go.

i can't give up.

don't let me give up.

i feel like a loser right now.
home on a saturday night. i could be somewhere else, but i'm not.
someone just called my cell phone but i don't know who it was. i accidentally hung up on them... oops. i was hoping they would call back.

well, i guess i couldn't really be anywhere else right now because i have to stay home and watch my sick little sisters anyway. =/
good news is that even though it seems like EVERYONE has been sick lately, i haven't been sick! :) yay.

guess i'm just a pseudo-loser.

brrrr i'm cold.

i have so much homework to do. grrrr.

je veux les vacances maintenant!!!!!!

i really need to get with the program. i've been such a slacker lately and now it's all coming back to haunt me. it never seems like there is enough time in the day to get done all i need to do.

OKAY. i am going to go do some homework. that way, i'll have most of tomorrow free.

prioritize. focus. keep the big picture in mind.

"she never gives up, and she never gives in, she just changes her mind.."

tomorrow will be the day i buy my kumquat. it will be an adventure.

i want to write or direct or act in one of the one-act plays in the spring. who's with me??

haha, sliding is fun.

i want my dad to put up the ice skating rink this year. it probably won't be cold enough though. global warming..

sustainable agriculture sounds interesting. "Sustainability rests on the principle that we must meet the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs."

i'm going to do something worthwhile with my life. now if only i could decide what that something is going to be...

but i actually have the feeling that that something will come to me unexpectedly. it will fly from the ceiling, hit me in the face and say, "why haven't you been doing this all your life?!"
oh yes. that's how it will be.

well, yeah. i just wrote the really long thing and of course my computer freezes just as i'm about done. twice today. is there a conspiracy against me? i'm really starting to believe that.

i really don't want to type all of that out again. so yeah. guess it wasn't all that important anyway.

i spent a nice night alone. listening to the coldplay cd that priya burned for me (which was so nice!) and watching "what not to wear." it was... a party.

the one acts were a bunch of fun. the freshmen (go katie!) and the seniors won the competion. i haven't laughed so much in a while. :)

i think i'm going to go to bed.

what am i doing tomorrow? christmas tree? babysitting? volunteering? movie? cleaning? homework? i really want to take a bubble bath.

i'm a goofball. it's nice to see parts of me in other people now. talking to all types of people gives you better perspective. we're all basically in the same boat. we should all work together. you'd be surprised at what i've learned today. josh really made me think about my life and where i'm going and he probably doesn't even know it. i've also been watching what i say more to other people. they respect certain things that i don't, but it's not my place to step all over it either. it's important to consider both sides or i'll never get anywhere.

today was a creative day. i wonder what it would be like to try and consciously be creative. that just wouldn't work for me.

goodnight and i love you all.

yes, even the woman who walked off with my purse during lunch today and even the sub who wouldn't let me go to spectrum and made me erase the board and even the woman who tried to kick us out of the alcove the other day and even the mail man (just because.)

i baked so many cookies today that i think i might throw up if i see another one.

it could happen to you!

;)

anything is possible!

music is everything!

"The answer is yes. Now what's your question?"

the time has come.

i feel like writing a story.
i want to make a society.
i wish that it was summer because i could use some laying-in-fields right about now.

The seasons are always fighting for my attention. When I am upset at the world, I want to give up or curl up and disappear for a while, but another part of me wants to spill my guts to someone and let them help me solve my problems. I wish that I could allow other people inside of my thoughts and know that they understood me. I know that this is impossible but it is so frustrating to realize that I can’t change everything and that I need to start small. When winter has the upper hand, I feel guilty for not reaching out to other people. I know that I am lucky. So many opportunities have been given to me that I feel obligated to share myself with others. I know that I have been given the necessary tools in order to really make a difference in this world and keeping that gift to myself is unthinkable. Like a tulip bulb, I am planted in the ground so that my roots can grow strong. If I plant myself too close to the surface, then a squirrel will surely dig me up. But if I plant myself too deeply in the soil, the sun will not be able to reach me and I will not grow. What I need is to find the perfect depth to be planted so that I am not uprooted and the sun's rays are able to nourish me.

i am so organized this week. i'm even ahead of everything. i just might be in bed by 9:30 (!!!)

i need something. i need that warmth.
maybe my physical coldness is a reflection of my mind. i mean, who wears a long sleeve shirt (that says superstar), a fleece sweater thing, and a huge sweatshirt?? and who doesn't feel hot wearing it?? i think i just like the comfort of it so the heat doesn't matter. safe. secure. snuggly.

let's have a sleepover! this friday!

this is my mostly-free weekend. next weekend will be sooo busy. ooooh MAMA!

i want to laugh and laugh and laugh! i want to throw my head back and laugh! i am free!

the goldfish in the pond are frozen.

there IS good in the world! there is!

CDs are sooooo rounnnnnd.........

my roses are magnificent. LIFE LIFE LIFE!

"bloom where you are planted!"

define yourself!

sing! dance! frolic! hop! skip! breathe! twirl! spin! yell! whisper! hum! rejoice! laugh until you fall over! imagine! create! share! feel! question! break free!

FOR YOU ARE ALIVE!!!!!