Wednesday, August 27, 2003

--and we're driving on a freaking CLIFF

--or did you get lost in ammmmsterdam?

--stayin alive, stayin alive

--mayonaise is gross

--*wink*

--manatee strokage?!

--wind chime bench

--fire game madnesss

--old lady bizatch

--my true calling as a key maker

--security cameras

--THE note

--da PIMPIN' fence

--let's lay in a field (or two)

--skip!

--can'ttt stopppppp smilllllllllingggggg :)

--hay fest

--pen cord things

--happy coats in the back

--INSANNNNNNNNNNE

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

all that i am,

all that i was,

all i have done,

and all that has been done to me,

has brought

me

to this

very

sacred

moment

in time.

no, i will not go back
every word that's been hiding inside of my head
is running blindly, look behind me, nothing's left.

Monday, August 25, 2003

what can i say?

Sunday, August 24, 2003

oh man, how could i forget?
i had another weird dream last night.
people hung me (with a noose) at school.
during gym class. i think they used the big rope you climb up...
it was scary. but they did it and it didn't break my neck so i lived and they let me go.
but i had to live knowing i was going to die the next day.
no one seemed to care either.
i was in a group for a project and i remember them dividing up the work i was supposed to do as if it were just business and not that i was going to be dead.
i woke up before i was hung again.. so yeah. crazy stuff.

mini-golfing was fun. i actually wasn't too bad this time.
then we went to the mall and sat and ate a cookie.
the mall closes early on sundays.
the rest of my evening consisted of lion king watching and playground partying.
*ooo la la* :)

okay. i'm giving up a lot of stuff. are you ready for this beast?

-swearing
-AIM
-shaving my legs
-wearing makeup (includes nail polish)
-chocolate
-grocery store drinks/soda
-fast food
-TV (movies don't count)

ah yes. all of that is over for me.
some of it is really tough but it'll be good for me.
it builds character! or something like that....

i'm insanely tired again so it's sleepy time pour moi.

bon soir! je t'aime.

telephone-moi demain, s'il te plait!

deux jours.....

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry
let me see you trough
'cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do, nothing you confess,
can make me love you less

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you!

So, if you're mad, get mad,
don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now.
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too,
well, I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to choose,
let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong...

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you!

Take me in, into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
and when...

When the night falls on you, baby
you're feeling all alone
you won't be on your own:

I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you!

will you stand by me?
i'm never going on AIM again.
it's over.
i'm just wasting time.
ahhh... i'm so addicted to it though.
i'm going through withdrawl.... ha.
last night was the last time and so far i've stuck to it...
so yeah, if you feel the urge to talk to me, just call.

i am either:
a) out
b) sitting around pretending to be doing something

but either way, leave a message. i rarely answer the phone. i know, i'm a beast. i'm trying to get over that too.

hmm... oh yeah.. and i'm going to stop swearing too. not that i do it excessively, but still. i don't like it.

oh wow. there's about 72 hours until school starts... (not to be morbid or anything...)
i'm slightly freaking out. but i'm cool with it... i can make myself accept it and get through.

today was a lot of fun, but i'm dead tired.
ow... my arm... way to swing into me, beast. =P
i went to my little second cousin's birthday party in a forest preserve.
it's exciting that i actually have some sense of direction now.
yay for that.

yeah.. and i was considering not having friends anymore...for various reasons.
but after today, i don't know.. you are all a big part of me.

you have no idea how much i want to go online right now.
i need to communicate with someone.
AHHHHHH......
one click...
no. NO! no.
i'm going to stick with it.
::stubborn face::

ahhhh...... i'm going to die.

i like my name. susan elizabeth. it works. actually, it's slightly too elegant for me. i can pretend.

hey hey hey hey- don't you forget about me...

i'm beginning to see just how many people care about me. not near fully..but i'm trying. it's good.

i listened to "hanging by a moment" today. it was the theme song of last summer... awe. what's the theme song of this summer??
haha, probably... "bitch." yeahhhhhh that's right, baby.

AH! i got tickle raped tonight! AHHHH!! that was... an experience. haha.

my cousin's mom got dressed up in an elmo suit for hailey's birthday. funniest thing ever. hailey loved it. hehe...

this song goes out to you, bitch! :) best song EVER.

I hate men.
I can't abide 'em even now and then.
Than ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather,
For husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother.
Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother had to marry Father,
But I hate men.
Of all the types I've ever met within our democracy,
I hate most the athlete with his manner bold and brassy,
He may have hair upon his chest but, sister, so has Lassie.
Oh, I hate men!
I hate men.
They should be kept like piggies in a pen.
Avoid the trav'ling salesman though a tempting
Tom he may be,
For on your wedding night he may be off to far Araby,
While he's away in Mandalay is thee who have the baby,
Oh I hate men.
If thou shouldst wed a businessman, be wary, oh, be wary.
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business necessary,
His bus'ness is the bus'ness with his pretty secretary,
Oh I hate men!
I hate men
Though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
If you espouse and older man through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism,
Though you may call it love, the doctors call it rheumatism.
Oh, I hate men.
From all I've read, alone in bed, from A to Zed, about 'em.
Since love is blind, then from the mind, all womankind should rout 'em,
But, ladies, you must answer too, what would we do without 'em?
Still, I hate men!

ah yes, and i just found this tooo........ it's not a song though. i don't agree with all of it, but it works for now.

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any,
Shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
But a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
Without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
To others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need an instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Instead of my chest!

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feeling.
I know when youre lying,
You look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!

haha, we could probably write a better one.. let's do it.

yeah...... but i still love my guys. just don't turn into stupid men or i might have to smack you.
very, verrrrry hard.

who wants to go with me to six flags?
i'm going...soon. whenever.
heck, i'll go alone if i have to.

lauren and i saw dan riding his bike as we were leaving herrick lake. i haven't seen that kid all summer.

awww... and remember when we heard "fast car" playing in the car next to us?

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

that's like...my dream...that feeling. :) sap.



And so she turns inward on herself
The breeze caressing her, brushing her smooth skin,
Her bright face gazing still. The wind
Whispering darkly secrets of her past.
She has no thought nor cares, nor words
Except to gently brush away the petals falling on her heart.


- Ken Morrill, Under the Tree

Saturday, August 23, 2003

11 is so much cooler than 10.
try this, mr. subliminal messages-

10 Things I Like About You:

1. The fact that i tell you practically everything
2. How you keep me grounded
3. How you really are a freak
4. How you know so much about things i don't
5. How you challenge me
6. How you take pictures
7. How you're insecure
8. How you show me how insecure i am
9. How you make me laugh
10. How many great memories/future dreams we have together
11. How i forget about everything else when i'm around you

i hope you know that i'm always listening, and i always will.

don't give up, don't give in- just change your mind.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Wait for the boy who pursues you,
the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical,
the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person,
wait for the boy who will be your best friend,
the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances,
wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you,
wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and have no makeup on,
but appreciates it when you get all dolled up for him,
and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe,
because obviously he's at the center of yours.

~ Amber Murphy

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

i'm really PISSED OFF right now.
why do i even try when i just get REJECTED?
go ahead, just toss me around.
yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.
well you know what?!
NO.
never again.
don't even try.
you reap what you sow.
.asshole.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

um yeah.
so i was thinking...
i have not been acting the way i should be lately.
but you know... i'm not being fake.
not at all.
if i'm in a bad mood, you'll know it and vice versa.
i guess that's a good thing... but i just wish i wasn't in bad moods as often.

GAH! i'm so paranoid. i need to stop.

my sister is driving me nuts. she's sitting on the couch. waiting... waiting for me to get off.
grrrar. it's freaking me out. i don't like it.

so about school... psh. i'm just going to do my best without practically killing myself.
because it's really not worth it. i need at least... 6 hours of sleep every night. i've decided.
maybe i shouldn't have any friends... eh... i'll think about it.

today was full of adventures.
lauren, michelle and i went shopping for homecoming dresses. it was actually just for lauren b/c i'm not going, but we all tried stuff on anyway. i'm still glittery. yeah.. so we didn't find anything perfect for lauren and she decided she doesn't want to go either. crazy crazy... that stuff is over for me. and shopping sucks ass. i think i should be expelled from womankind for saying that, but it's true. guys have it so much easier when it comes to that. ahh.. when i saw all the pretty dresses it was tempting... but no. no no no. but enough about that...

you know what was fun? that one time when i went mini-golfing with akif and company and we called up the people who had phone numbers written on the boat. you know, like ones that say, "for a good time, call ___." haha, that rocked my world.

everyone has changed and it's freaking me out.

i'm a very forgiving person. maybe too much...

AH! my sister is still there........ ::FREAKS OUT::
i hate that so much.

oh yes, back to my eventful day.
ugh, i had the worst pizza today. sick sick sick. it was from the place at the mall. the sauce was just.. TOO red.. it scared me.

yeah, so i was supposed to have a meeting which lauren and michelle decided to come to BUT it was cancelled so we sat outside on this ghetto grass ledge thing until my dad came. so we went to colonial. we saw travis there and paid the bill with exact change. it rocked my world.

lauren felt icky so we all went home. i must have ADD b/c i'm bored so easily, and yet easily amused. ben and i decided to go visit holly and so he picked me up at like 9:45. haha, she lives pretty far so we only got to hang out for like 20 minutes but it's all ok. we had fun. now i actually know how to get to her house without directions, it's exciting!

and here i am.. a moose. ahhhhh what's tomorrow? what am i doing tomorrow?? i have no idea. parrrrr-tay... i should probably clean/read that book...ick ick. or maybe it's time for a visit to potbelly's?? we'll see, we'll see.

i'm slowly becoming anorexic. just so you know.

i am unfufilled.
i need a goal. gary is right.
but what?!?
ahhhhhhh...
what a beast.
i'm going to do something fun ALL DAY tomorrow.
i have decided.
call me.
or don't.

and i had a little green dry erase marker.

all i wanted to say was that

i love you

i love you

I LOVE YOU

over and over and over....


but by that time, it was too late.

i hate the word "CAMPERS."
why am i doing this whole blog thing?
i feel like my life is too open.
it's creepy.
i'll be difficult and write bits and pieces and hints as to what happened to me today.
make of it what you want.

#1 i abominate men. i've given up all hope.
#2 1000 most important words
#3 noogle
#4 grass
#5 snuff
#6 windows
#7 bird
#8 matt
#9 stars
#10 rufio

i don't need you anymore.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

today was a good day.
i'm happy. :)
i hung out with ben at kendall park/barnes and noble.
as i was walking up to the park, he was waiting in his car, and it was just kind of...weird. i mean, it's still strange how everyone can drive now... we're gettin old!!
haha, we totally fingerpainted all over the bench we were sitting on.
it rocked my world.
and then this guy and his kid came along and we're like, oh shit...
so we covered the bench with sand.. haha, yeah..so not obvious.
then we went to my house to wash off our gross looking hands and on the way back, the guy was sitting on the bench...hahaha. that's awful. hope he didn't get a fingerpainted-ass!
so then we drove to barnes and noble and i showed him my dirty books. i saw eric there! he's a cool guy.. i need to hang out with him sometime. ben now knows where the "doorbell" is. haha, security... how ghetto.
so then i get home and go online (as usual) and i end up finding out that there's a surprise party for lola's birthday! so of course i want to go and krista and jess pick me up and we go to pizza hut.
haha, funniest thing ever. we decorated the table with streamers and confetti and ribbons and balloons.
oh man, i am SO TIRED. so much more happened tonight but i must go to bed or there's no way i'll be able to get up to go to breakfast tomorrow morning!
but in a nutshell, the rest of the night included...
-seeing chicago at odgen 6
-visiting lauren at java and juice
-deep conversation on the hill with lola :)

goodnight everybody! come to lauren's house at 7 tomorrow night!

happy happy
happy
happy happy
happy happy happy happy
happy happy
happy

:)

LEAVE COMMENTS! :)

Saturday, August 16, 2003

life really is all about taking risks.
seizing the day and whatnot...

how much does appearance really matter?

i wasted my good mood tonight because i'm a fucking pussy who's afraid to call anyone.
now i feel like shit.
gah.

it's strange how people have changed.
i barely know you anymore.
but yet... i do. i know you better than anyone because i knew you then and it is still a part of you.

i feel like i should be the center of your world as you are the center of mine, but i'm not.
it's hard to realize that.

and my strange attraction (not just..relationship-wise) to people i cannot have.
ugh.

i hate it. i hate how i care so much.
and it's all in vain.
5 words... that's all i get?
thanks. thanks so much.

i've read 40 pages of my antonia.
yay for me.

ick ick ick.

i'm just afraid.
don't mind me.

life would be so much easier if...
no. then i'd never be sure..

5 days!??! >:(

you little fucker.

alone again.

when will i learn?
mmmm.. i'm eating my organic peach right now.
it isn't really ripe yet.. but i'm pretending that it is. :)

do you know any people who can just always make you smile? no matter what?
i know a few of those people, and they make me very happy. :)

today i bought...

-green bean, endive, snapdragon, aster, gloriosa daisy, and carrot seeds
-hand lotion
-a nail clipper
-markers for my purse
-organic popcorn
-organic peach, kiwi, and apple
-organic strawberry yogurt
-organic grape juice
-cashews

*all for under $10* :)

Friday, August 15, 2003

i haven't eaten in about..24 hours.
meh, i'm not even hungry and i really don't care.

i'm tired of being so predictably unpredictable.

i am sick of talking about me.
i really do try and avoid it at all costs around most people.
it usually works.

nothing seems real.
life is just drifting away.....
it's all a dream and i'm still sleeping.
i don't like this state of mind.
there's nowhere to run.


i think i thought i said too much.
i haven't said enough.


....i wish i was fun....

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

guys, i'm excited.
i'm actually home so i get to watch family guy at 10:30.
oh NO! wasn't queer eye for the straight guy on tonight?? i forget. grrr, i probably missed it AGAIN.
haha, summer has me actually watching some tv. it's scary.
but none of it during school b/c it ruins your mind.

um yeah. i'm really bored.
that meeting at the theatre was insane.
it took up 3 1/2 hours of my time (including travel.)
>:(
but it's cool b/c you just have to be an usher/ticket checker and see the show for free.
i'm thinking of doing STOMP, the sound of music, lord of the dance, beatlemania, the frog prince, and a christmas carol. :) it's something different and i love going to theatre performances so it's all good. and now i know VERY WELL how to escort everyone out of the house in case of an emergency. oh yes, we did it over and over and over... we were the youngest people there and the rest were at LEAST 45..mostly over 65 though. haha... REPRESENT. =P
i went insane on the car ride home. it was so funny. they're all afraid of me now, but i really could care less. i'm tired.

i feel like i have accomplished nothing this summer.
hmmm
maybe that's because i haven't.....
::ponders::
i had so many plans/ideas and now i'm just blah-like.
still haven't read the majority of my antonia...
oops.... about that....
grrr, i drive myself crazy. that should be my mission for saturday.
yes, saturday i will read/takes notes on the whole thing.
and i'll reread it if i get a chance...

i am so immature. i'm afraid of growing up and that's mainly because i don't look highly upon myself. it's uncomfortable. and i don't like feeling that way. i'm slowly trying to get that over with and it's working.. i suppose. i'm not satisfied with who i have become. no no. but i can change myself fairly easily as long as i put my mind to it.

does anybody really care?

no.

well, i take that back.
some people do care, but only until something/someone better comes along.

a lot has happened lately.. maybe i'll explain later.

anyway, i am slowly, but surely, teaching myself how to play guitar.
it actually isn't too difficult..
it's just that it kills my fingers b/c the metal strings slice through them like a knife cutting cheese.
oooh mama. but since i am insane, i keep doing it.

tonight at 6 i have a meeting for volunteering at the theatre. yeeehaw. this meeting won't be fun, but the volunteering will be.

one last thought...

"by the river....by the RIVER....let's throw the cat in the river... in the RIVER....toNIGHT!"

=D

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

i have many things i need to sort out with myself.

i used to be so idealistic in every possible way...
always tried to make the best of things...
made them memorable..
even if that seemed impossible, i usually succeeded in doing so.

but now...
agh...
i really..don't care.
the one feeling i swore i would never feel.
apathy.
it's such an ugly word for such an ugly emotion.

it is so incredibly difficult to stay idealistic in this world.
i was always "too happy" or "too nice."
and that slowly ate away at me.
i didn't want to appear phony because i truly was just as happy as i seemed.
life was good.
my ideas for single-handedly changing the world and making everyone care about themselves and their potential were swiftly tossed aside and left on barren ground to be stepped on.
i'll admit it... i gave up.
i was just young and naive anyway, right?
no! i wasn't! i was RIGHT.
i just listened to the wrong people.
what's that quote on the side of this blog...?

''Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that,
but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.''
-Mark Twain

ah yes. that is it. that is the key. the missing piece that i forgot.
i had goals, plans, enthusiasm.
but i listened to you. i let you be right.
i just said, "well, that's just the way it is..."
no no no no no no NO!
things are always changing. that's a fact.
so if they're always changing, why can't they change for the better?
why did i give up so easily?
and that, my friends, is why i am so confused now.
because i know i was right, but now my pure idealism is gone.
is it too late for me?
i sure hope not.
so bear with me while i'm figuring things out.
i know that i can't do it all myself, but i could start something.
the only way it would last would be with your help though..
yes, you.
and you know why i'm going to try?
because i want more out of life than this.
i want more.
we all deserve better.
not as a matter of material things, but as a matter of the quality of your life.

we can do it, baby.

well, looks like i'm still here....

guess that apple wasn't as poisoned as i thought.

ah well.

i am very tired right now.
*zzZzzZzzzzZZZZzzz*

i have been greatly suffering from a realization i had yesterday.
i realized that no matter what i do, it is never good enough.
i have tried so many things, but i'm never any good at them.
there's always someone better. always.
i have no talent.
nope, none.
i've tried, i really have...
let's make i list of things i'm not good enough at.
-viola
-basketball
-volleyball
-piano
-singing
-writing
-acting
-being fake

i'm sure there's more but i can't think of them now.

so yeah. never good enough.

and i'm sick of it.

Monday, August 11, 2003

last night i ate a poisoned apple.

tomorrow i'll be gone.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow - no tomorrow
Wear sun screen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sun screen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sun screen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40,maybe you'll dance the "funky chicken" on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings.They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,the more you need people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise.
Politicians will philander.
You too,will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young,prices were reasonable,
politicians were noble,
and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.
But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sun screen.
i just bruised the inside of my elbow.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses.
You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person,
no different from any other stupid person,
wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you.
They don't ask for it.
They do something dumb one day like kiss you,
or smile at you,
and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness,
so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends'
or 'how very perceptive'
turns into a glass splinter
working its way into
your heart.
It hurts.
Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt,
a body-hurt,
a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.

--Rose Walker, in Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaman

Saturday, August 09, 2003

in the last day and a half, i have seen 3 movies.
alex and emma, freaky friday, and pirates of the carribean.
that is extremely unusual for me...

i'm very...something right now.
but i don't feel like talking about it..
sorry............

practically every single one of my worst fears have surfaced throughout the course of this day and it's too much for me to comprehend.
too many "what-ifs."
i just...don't know what i would do...

i need a hug. a genuine hug.

but don't touch me.

i bite.

our rabbit died today.
i cried about it, but i have realized that i am in denial of it.
it wasn't more of the actual rabbit, but of what he stood for.
and my mother... he was her baby.
he was paralyzed and couldn't walk.
there is so much more to this story and maybe someday i'll tell it.. but not now.

so fred, (formerly known as ginger before we found out you were a boy..)
thank you for teaching me about patience, strength, and love.

Friday, August 08, 2003

i had an AMAZING day.

it was everything good all rolled into one.

let's see... even since 6:30 this morning life has been good.

but i don't feel like writing all the details b/c there are so many fun things i'd have to include.

for the first time in a long time, i'm truly happy.

i'm free!!!!!!

=D

make new friends
but keep the old
one is silver
and the other's gold.
a circle's round
it has no end
that's how long
i want to be your friend~!

ps. tomorrow- fat bean. 7 P.M. Be there. wink wink.
i have no idea who's playing but we'll see. give me a call tomorrow and we'll... talk.
SPEAKING of TALKING....
::tangent time::
i believe i need to find a guy. i say a guy instead of a girl because.. well, that's just the way it is.
a guy that can talk my ear off all day and never bore me.. to the point where it doesn't even matter what he's saying but i'll just sit there and listen. someone cultured and intelligent and intriguing. THAT, my friends, is what i am in dire need of.

interested? call me. ASAP. we'll go to a forest, walk in the woods, and rent a canoe while i listen to you talk and talk and talk... *sigh* :)

Thursday, August 07, 2003

today was a good day.

i don't need that anymore.

i cleaned away the afternoon.
::whoosh::

but tonight was fun.
i went to lauren's house after dinner and we cleaned her basement.
it was an adventure.
we're going to re-do it so we can use it for having people over.
i'm excited. we have lots of ideas already.
we're also doing a trading spaces type thing on each other's bedrooms.
=D FUNston.
tomorrow morning she is picking me up at 7 A.M. sharp.
(freaks out)
ahhhhh, so early. but it'll be worth it. i can manage that for one day.
we're going to garage sales.
hehe, we're so cool.
so when we finished the part of lauren's basement, we called helen's house and nobody answered. but we decided to go there anyway just to make sure.
we got to her house and it didn't really look like people were over so we chickened out on ringing the doorbell and went back to the car to get the cellphone and call helen from there. haha, we're losers and we know it. but the phone was too crackly so i hung up. we ALMOST left, but i decided to just go for it. and she was home!! =D hehe! i'm glad we didn't chicken out at the end.
ben, allan, and dan were there too. we watched some ghetto movie with queen latifah in it. haha, good stuff. we were being dirty but i don't think helen liked it... (sorry helen!) hehe.
...swordfights with the family stick...
wink wink
by the way... none of us are lesbians!
and those brazilian girls were NOT hot.
=P haha, beasts.
after we left helen's, we went to eagle and lauren bought me a blueberry muffin for the morning. haha, yay for blueberry muffins!
and my purse is missing in action.
but it's probably just in lauren's room. oh welllll.
i'm in a good mood, but i should really go to bed soon so i don't DIE tomorrow morning..
goodnight everyone~!

PS. MIKE ROCKS MY WORLD! thanks, you made my day. :)

who am i? here are the facts.

i am susan, suzie, suzies, suz, suzy q, etc..

i have 3 little sisters.
i have 2 parents.
i have a parakeet.
i have 2 bunnies.
i have a frog.
i used to have gerbils, fish, and a turtle.
oh, and i had a caterpillar and numerous toads at one point as well.
i was on the distinguished honor roll.
i am the world's worst procrastinator.
i love to relax.
i love to be busy.
i love getting away with everything.
i read little kid's books, dirty books, the dialogues of plato, and funny things at barnes and noble.
i have a hidden post-it note obsession. (especially bright yellow ones)
i like the smell of axe spray.
i love saving stranded worms and digging holes for them.
i am addicted to lipgloss.
i hate all things pink tonight.
i am ugly and fat and i hate my hair.
i want to make a necklace.
i need a fake ring with a big plastic jewel.
i'm not afraid of death.
i am buying a hot tub. soon.
my room is almost clean. (still)
i am afraid of success.
i hate men.
i can't stand girls.
i am obsessive-compulsive.
i want to be rescued.
i need sunshine.
i always want what i can't have.
i am never fully satisfied.
i enjoy long walks on the beach.
i hate weapons.
i have no appetite. except for tonight and i feel disgusting.
i am teaching myself how to wiggle every toe individually.
i'm tired of being so needy.
je ne sais pas que je veux.
jessica sent me a postcard from europe.
i am going to cry.
i have no friends. they're all pretending.
i hate my attitude.
i love dancing in the rain.
i love fog. excessive fog.
i need someone who either understands or admits that they don't understand.
i love to feel warm and cozy.
i need to be needed.
i am easily bored.
i am easily amused.
i know a guy who's seriously schizophrenic.
i like my freckles.
i have given up on boyfriends.
i have too high standards and i am not worthy of them.
my sunburn itches. maybe i have sun poisoning.
i need someone who comes running after me.
i like glitter. gold glitter.
mike has my slinky in his car. i want it back.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

convince yourself that everything is alright
'cause it already is...

today i've gotten the urge to cut off my hair.
it is killing me.
do you just get the urge to do something and you HAVE to do it or you FREAK OUT??!
yeah, that's how i'm feeling right now.

i'm so emotional lately.
i cry at anything and everything.
yet despite that, i've been feeling slightly better.

i've been thinking..
am i more of a SUSAN or a SUZIE?

i keep getting really bad headaches too.
it's more at the top of my neck and not really my head, but that makes my head hurt too.
i hate taking medicine. i avoid it at all costs unless i can't stand the pain anymore.
i think i will go take some medicine now.

i could never be a doctor.
i could never be a salesman.

i feel so digusting right now.
it's my hair.
i want it gone. right now.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
vacation was awesome.
i really needed it.
the beach was amazing (as always)
and our "cottage" was more like a house.
it had an outdoor hot tub and everything.
hot-tubbing after midnight is what's it all about.
we made a bonfire on the beach last night and the stars were incredible.
i sat right by the waves after a while and watched them come close and retreat..close and retreat...
it was beautiful. i could have stayed there all night.
it's nice having an arm around you.

lyrics of the week:

If you want my body and you think I´m sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me, just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so.

wow, i haven't actually showered in.. 3 days. haha, YES. i mean..with the lake and all..psh. i'm sporting the "i'm too sexy for myself" look today. i reallllly need a haircut.
AH.

somebody better call me tonight or-- well actually, i don't care.

because i have no problems. i am just a typical teenage drama queen.

so call me, or don't call me. i'll live.

maybe, just maybe... i'll call YOU.

i'm home. :)

email from lola...

*slightly edited by yours truly*

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A long shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla)
13. A long distance phone call to someone you miss.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The feeling of sand between your toes.
18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Hot tubs.
30. Playing with a puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and
drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without
feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
43. Starting over.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. (6 FLAGS!)
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

beautiful beautiful times
I found it in you
beautiful beautiful nights
spending with you
beautiful beautiful lights
shining through you
beautiful beautiful nights
spending with you

we're all shooting stars
so fly me to the moon
your electricity
lights up the city to see

beautiful beautiful times
I found it in you

Saturday, August 02, 2003

ok, so i did make another blog, BUT i changed my mind.
i didn't get rid of it though.. i'll save it for when i'm really upset.

today is my last day here, folks.
i'm going to michigan with my family until tuesday nightish.
not that i'll be missed...
but i'll have fun.
my aunt and uncle rented out this cute little lodge/cabins for my entire side of my mom's family.
ahhhh... ::freaks out::
and my mom definitely has 6 brothers and sisters.
and i am definitely the oldest cousin... followed by my own 3 little sisters...
::FREAKS OUT::
but they're all cute kids and it's right on the beach so it's all ok.
i've decided i'm going to try and not lose my paleness... i'm starting to like it.
i mean- why should i try and be something i'm physically NOT? it's different. and i like it.
so =P.
well, my parents went up to birch creek to pick up my sister from jazz camp so i spent the day alone with jenny and laura. ahh.. so much work.. so much cooking.. so much cleaning..ahhh...
i even walked them to church, yeehaw.
and, because of the lack of my parents, i was forced to answer the phone today.
matt called me. he's a good kid.
MORE PEOPLE SHOULD CALL ME!
how else will i get over my fear of phones?!?
and i've decided that i'm going to do something fun everyday for the rest of summer.
let me know if you want in.
i'm going to go to chicago with lola and jess later this week after i get home.
hehe, we're all excited.
chicago is nice once and awhile but the hustle and bustle of it gets to me after awhile.
maybe we'll steal my cool aunt for the day and she can take us places.

mmm...the sky is so beautiful right now. it's probably going to rain like no other tonight, but it is still incredible. maybe i'll go rain dancing tonight.

AHHH, now toooo many people are calling. i can't even sit down for 2 seconds!! ::freaks out AGAIN::

deep breath.....

ok. i'm ok now.

:)

i cried today. it was good. i needed to just... let it all out.

what triggered it was this website..

http://hometown.aol.com/kaoscutie5/page1index.html

now i have no idea who these people are, but something in it really got to me.
i think i wondered if people would care so much about me if i died so young.
and pictures on it reminded me of things i have done and how everything can just be over so quickly.
*sigh*
so yeah...
sadly, that was one of the highlights of my day.
along with my lunch/dinner coming out very well.

it's weird though. i've stayed home all alone for a day or so this summer and i just did things the way i normally do... sleep in, no breakfast, lunch at like 2:00.. little dinner... stay up really late...
but TODAY.. aiy yi yi! i had to get up early and make breakfast for the twins. then lunch, then make cookies with them, then wash dishes, then make dinner, then walk to church, then wash MORE dishes, then pack, then clean the living room, then not go out tonight even though i was going to but i still have too much to do before we leave in the morning. so yes, this was an...eventful day. at least it's almost over. i'm saying what i'm typing out loud right now. it's kind of strange but it works.

::SINGS::

Friday, August 01, 2003

let's make a list of things i am too much of:

ok!

-sensitive
-paranoid
-insecure
-not trusting
-suspicious
-doubtful
-needy
-shy
-avoidant

i'm going to start a new secret blog that nobody knows about.
The tick tock of the clock is painful.

All sane and logical

I want to tear it off the wall.

see... THIS is what i was afraid of.

THIS is why.

i should have known.

i should have kept my head on straight.

but i didn't.

i want things to be like they were.

i knew it, i knew it, i knew it!!!!!!!!

>:(

i tried... i really did.


FUCK.


And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.